Habits of Spiritual Living: Believe Everything

There are those that will tell you that you must read, digest, understand and be able to quote forth  from ponderously written tombs at parties before the spiritual intelligentsia. If you cannot, then perhaps you really do not understand. After all, the words of the Tsangyang Gyatso are particularly apropos to the discussion at hand. So glad that you get it, but you really don't.

Later, you run out and read what you can find on Gyatso and find that you have no idea how it applied, but you find other things and eventually learn to follow the conversations and eventually keep up...but, but how do you feel? Less, somehow, less.

This is what they intend you see. Those memorized passages are magick spells of superiority, a glamour needed by those that feel that less than they are. They above. You below. Now perhaps intend was a poor choice of words. Intent requires awareness and these folks are not aware. Learned perhaps, intelligent and even fully cognizant of many things but not, not fully, aware of the game they are playing.  

Which of you should feel less?

Neither. 

You see the game worked and if you were who you are the game cannot, could not, be played. If they were who they are, the game could not, would not, be played. 

What they don't see, is the game behind the game is the same one you are playing, only you use dice. Ninety pair. Roll, roll them again. How many sixes turned up? How many pairs can you match to equal six? How my triples equal six? Oh, six isn't your number yet? What about fives?

Oh, playing with dice they say? Simple fool, the knowledge is in books. He will get it though. He's a good chap. They might utter these things behind your back or in the quiet recesses of their superior minds but how do they feel?

Less. Sadly less.

And blessed are they that know not! More blessed are those that know they feel as they do. Cursed are those that hide it from you behind a cloud of mystic-speak but worry not for they are blessed too as curses and blessings are the same. And, so this one thing is true. Those books of theirs and knowledge rote, and your dice that float are one in the same.

You may have first noticed that all the dice are cubes and tossed in some gamers, eight-sided, maybe sixteen. Yet, they all bounce and roll, no difference there. Oh sure, there may be more or less hops and skips as they skid along the table and maybe onto the floor. They may have odd angles and many faces but never too much or too few. And in the end, in the end, they always present a number, face up, but there is more to the left, to the right, or some odd angle and even a number on the bottom, impossible to see. The dice, no matter the what they show, are whole dice.

 And what is the point of a die? The numbers of course. And, where do they come from? Well, they start with one. One. Just one but what was before? None. Just none. 

Nothing but everything, zero the mother of one the mother of all.

Books are much alike, pages, bindings, covers containing information, power, words, ideas whether you can understand or not...for some ideas are on the bottom and that is okay too. But these ideas, these sentences, these words, these letters, from whence did they come? From sound and what does sound come from? Silence. The deafening music of silence. Nothing but everything, silence the father of all. 

Books or dice it is all ONE.

So, when they covet their books and words, gematria, the Iwa, the Neteru, the earth itself and say, "Brother this is the way!" Know, know with all your being they are right but so are you, and your dice as they clatter upon the floor. 

Habits of Spiritual Living: Words Matter

This is the first in a series promised here. Please read the disclaimers in that post. 

I used to think that we needed to purify ourselves and put myself through alchemical hell. Yet something I wrote yesterday changed my perspective. I wrote:

This isn't necessarily meanness on the part of the other but more of a natural unconscious reaction. Often, there is some impure part of the personality at work here but that is all well as they are tugging at an impure part of the seeker's personality.

I wish I used the word ill-defined. Our misses or errors in life are not because we are bad people. If you look closer there is something intrinsic to our nature that contributes to that behavior. The fellow that is a workaholic may believe he is taking care of his family by earning 100K a year working 70 hours a week. The meaning of 'taking care' has been warped. When he realizes he hasn't taken care of but abandoned his family, he may feel like a bad human. That negative judgement is devastating as it piles on to the very real damage his behavior has caused. Yet, if someone shares that the core need to take care of is there but has been misapplied, he has a chance to heal. While he may never heal the damage he has done, he may find other outlets in a helping profession or volunteering. 

This is not about semantics or being emotionally pc. This is about what happens when core divinity hides behind learned behavior. When the inner divine is exposed, even the pain of causing pain drifts away like litter in a breeze. 

So when you look at your behaviors that you feel are hiding your divinity look to those same behaviors for answers. There is a clue there about who you really are. When you find that, you are living a spiritual life.

Sacred Questions

I watched a documentary the other day on the impact of absentee fathers. The claim was made that there is a specific male question. "Do I have what it takes?" The young child needs that questions answered affirmatively by his father. The father presents challenges that boy must eventually overcome. "I am proud of you son," goes a long way. Eventually, there should be some rite of passage in adulthood. Females have a  different question, "Am I valued enough to be worth protecting?" Again, fathers must demonstrate this and answer that question with an empathic yes.Women do not need (as much) the right of passage because their menstrual cycle is a very bold physical rite of womanhood.

When this question isn't answered, men often have aggression issues. They are either overly or under aggressive. They either cannot stand for what is right or their response is over-the-top and usually misplaced. Women end up looking for "Daddy's love" all over the place and generally wind up pregnant as teens.

I cannot scientifically back up their claims. I can state that a lot of things fell into place for me. Many friends have run into walls trying to get those answers. So much is clear in retrospect. I ran into a lot of that question myself. My dad was present but emotionally silent. I don't think I ever heard, "I am proud of you," until my late thirties -- too late.

My recent experiences have made those questions mute.

When I speak on the HGA make a comment about how everyone has a word. Buddha had awareness; Jesus had forgiveness; Moses had law. Each of us has a word of our life too. "What is my word?" is  a sacred question for the answer uncovers the divine purpose.

There are many smaller questions too that lead you along the road. "Why do I do that?" "What lead me into this trap?" "What is my internal script and who wrote it?" "What part of me demonstrates my sacredness?" All of these and many more are sacred questions. Most fear to ask them. The answers are extraordinary and uplifting. The answers heal. It is a pity so many are afraid to ask.

Fearless

Yesterday, I went for an eye exam. They posted pictures of my eyeballs on the computer screen as I waited for the doctor. On one eye, I saw a rather large area obviously darker than anything else. Though it had smooth edges, making it look less natural, there were some odd curvatures. To me, it looked a bit scary. The odd part was that I wasn't afraid at all.

I simply thought, well, if I have an eye disease and lose my sight in one eye, that must be something my soul needs me to experience. What adjustments will I have to make? Depth perception would be a problem. Would I be able to continue to play disc golf?I  experienced no fear, no worry, no physiological reaction. Sweet! There was total faith that this too was perfect.

It turns out it was just a shadow and my eyes are perfectly healthy.

Pulling Strings

When one engages in the Great Work one finds other people will try to pull one down on occasion. It seems that when you climb a step up, someone will try to trip you and accept some 'credit', for lack of a better word, for their accomplishment. Usually, they get a sense of superiority.

This isn't necessarily meanness on the part of the other but more of a natural unconscious reaction. Often, there is some impure part of the personality at work here but that is all well as they are tugging at an impure part of the seeker's personality.

Esoterically, this is a test. If they can knock you down, you are not balanced. Through much of my career people were able to successfully find a rope and give it a yank. Down I would fall. Of late, three or four people have tried to pull me out of my perfection high by tugging on the metaphorical rope. They found themselves holding nothing but a small string. I look at them as having performed a small service like plucking away an small unraveled thread from my coat.

Dream Change

I have read about how dreams help us process the day's activities. My dreams I remember never have reflected this. Since February 4th, I have had many dreams about the just past day or what was brought to mind that day regarding the next day. 

I am assuming that enough old junk has dropped away to make this possible. Maybe it is a sign of health.

Stages of Development

I came across this in my studies to be a life coach within the cleverly entitled book, Becoming a Professional Life Coach. In 1983 a fellow by the name of Robert Kegan presented a list of the stages of human development. This appears to be a good measure of the path.

The Egocentric self (stage 0-2) Birth to 12-16

The self consists of needs, interests, wishes, impulses an perceptions, but does not truly have a shared reality with others. 

Interpersonal  of Socialized Self (stage 3)

Most humans make it to this stage in which we find a role in the larger society and identify with that role. 

Independent Self (Stage 4)

Only 25% of humans in our culture successfully make this transition. The person can no longer ignore or distort the call of the soul. They realize that walking their own path may disappoint others, risk failure or violate accepted norms that seem to make the socialized self valued. They feel whole and complete.

Integral or Interindividual Self (Stage 5)

One percent of adults reach this stage. Here, the internal awareness that "I am whole and complete" of Stage 4 gives way to "I am not whole and complete...I am many selves" People here can easily make constructive judgments of themselves.  

Sacred Self (Stage 6)

This seldom if ever develops without a long-term practice. "I am not the body, nor the mind." The human identifies with the soul that is in common union with the divine. This is the birthplace of universe compassion.

(Note: this is a chopped up but often directly quoted. If a copyright holder finds this too much to post here, I will delete the post.)

No Words

Blogging has become difficult of late. Since February 4, things have changed so much. The words I type seem meaningless. I am thrilled, happy and content but writing authoritatively on any subject is trying to  make a fact out of inspiration. The words seem pompous and disconnected from what I am experiencing.

I took a few shots at the video blog entry on perfection and I was more comfortable with those results. Unfortunately, microphone results in a bit too much noise when I pause. I am obtaining a new laptop soon.

So What is Different?

On February 4, I released a damaged part of my soul. The changes are so drastic that I believe I was reborn. The odd part is that while only a little more than a fortnight as passed I feel as if I have always been this way.

The changes I am aware of at the moment are:

1.   The ever-present burning anger is gone.
2.   The need to be constantly negative is gone.
3.   I dance while doing housework.
4.   There are smiles for no reason at all.
5.   It is a joy to get out of bed in the morning.
6.   I meditate for longer periods in one sitting.
7.   I long for nothing.
8.   Progress toward new found life goals occurs daily.
9.   There is less hesitation.
10. There is no worry.
11. There is more love.
12. People at work go out of their way to compliment me.
13. An ego trip that to me is subtle but others may find to be huge.
14. An incredible sensation about my head that reminds me of the origin of the witch's hat.
15. The arrival of spirit so strong it feels like an eighteen wheeler made of feathers falling on me.
16. A desire to lose my sense of self.
17. Euphoria when I do anything that is on my purpose, more so when I throw things away.
18. I am happy.
19. The knowledge that you can do this and more.
20. Speaking with others is easy.
21. When I share, which is a preferred term over teaching, I am totally comfortable.
22. I know what peace feels like.
23. I love you.
24. A sense of sarcasm is still there but weakening.
25. A negativity is there but I call myself on it regularly. When I don't, someone else does. Yet, the          
      negativity is very soft.
26. I am still judgmental but at a greatly reduced rate.

Things that have not changed.

1.   I am lazy.
2.   I do not take care of myself.
3.   I still know that you are perfect.
4.   I still know you are divine and are G-d.
5.   The desire to continue is still intense.
6.   My woeful ignorance.

Ace of Swords is Upside Down

Many years ago, I noticed the Ace of Swords in the Thoth Tarot is upside down. Lon DuQuette's book, Understanding Aliester Crowely's Thoth Tarot is a must read for tarot readers and magicians alike. In that work he quotes Crowley on the Ace of Swords.

The pommel of the sword is in Daath, the guard extends to Chesed and Geburah; the point is in Malkuth.

A quick look at the pictures below shows the ace is drawn with the point in Keter (1) and the pommel in Malkuth (10). I have mentioned this curiousity for years but never gave the idea a lot of thought.

Today, I was meditating on Adam Kadmon, the Qabalistic concept of the primal man - the bridge between manifest man and the ultimate divine. I asked how do I pray to you [Adam Kadmon]? The crown of the ace appeared around my head. If you viewed the top of my head as the tip of the sword, the crown would be in the exact position it is on the card. Soon, I saw the sword within me as well.

The idea of the card being upside down came to mind and I toyed with it for a while but that took me out of the meditation. Returning to my original focus, I continued. Two things came to my awareness. I am not sure which arrived first.

I believe Crowley described the card as the way of return to the godhead but had the card drawn as the way of creation (i.e the force moving downward from Keter.

The swords are about separation and the process of individualization. As a rule they are painful but as Crowley said, "Love is the reason behind this ruthless analysis."

Point downward shows the godhead separating Itself into the individual human. Drawn as is, the copper pommel, represents the pure desire (Venus) to make the return journey. The crown of light being the result. That light allows us to see G-d in all that is because we can view the separate parts that sum up to the Grand Whole

The second idea came as combination of the vision and today's events. I had stated on a Facebook thread that I would not send comments to the organizers of Pantheacon as they do not seem to want feedback that isn't positive. For this I was treated to the following line: "What I find to be an interesting perspective is the divine unfolding perfection one moment and the divisive ineptitude the next."* I was also told I was an asshole and bipolar. 

Old Robert would have spoiled for a fight. This Robert simply defended himself and moved on. However, the Ace of Swords came into play there as well. I quickly cut away and dismissed the words of someone that was obviously having a bad day, was ill or tired as that fellow rarely communicates like that. Old Robert would have owned the words and beat the crap out of himself. So, I was pleased with my progress in that area but the work of the Ace did not stop there. 

Did I mention both sides of that blade are razor sharp?

I came to realize that while I am no longer rabidly argumentative and no longer anger at such things, I do comment negatively too often. I will work on resolving that.

For those of you that have asked for the Spiritual Living series of posts, this is a big hint. In order to do that work, you have to cut through the static of the universe and find what is really being communicated whether it is being said well or not. Too many people dismiss clues about themselves because things are uttered by someone they don't like, in an inept fashion or by someone that has the same issue. Doing that is not productive. One has to cut away the crassness of others, one's own perspective and one's own self-defenses to truly learn. 

The swords represent those abilities. Working with the swords can be painful but oh so worth the trauma.

*Note: The line about perfection has inspired my first video blog entitled, The Problem with Perfection, as many people think they see hypocrisy any time I dislike something. This is the result of my failure to fully share the vision of perfection. I am going to try to clarify through the spoken rather than written word. It should be up in a day or two.

The Words of VI

I wish to share with you a post on health written by my friend VI. Read his words. Read his story and, after he shares with you clues to the deeper meanings expressed, read those words again. Much wisdom is revealed.

Over the last few weeks, I have been trying to express my joy and share it with my readers and those I know personally. Instinctually, I know I have failed to convey its meaning, its peace, its love. VI has come closer than I ever could.

Don’t believe me? Then remember what it is like to be in love, to have your heart seized; captured and set free all at once. Soaring above all things, when anything is possible, and yet it returns, faithful as hawk to its Master’s wrist. Ever and always, your heart returns to the Beloved, who is the centre, the fulcrum about which your existence turns.

Yes, I am deeply in love with my soul. Peace profound.

Here is a link to the post. I will be the best thing you've read all day. Ignore the bit about myself in the beginning. There is something much more beautiful being conveyed. 

The Nature of Healing

The Disciple is called by Jesus to heal others. I have wondered about her because she believes her god to be omnipotent and all knowing. If so, why does He need her to pray for healing? Surely, she is not needed to call the sick to His attention. Of course, my vision of the perpetual unfolding of perfection is not the same as but certainly comparable to her viewpoint and therefore, I have questioned my healing abilities. Why are they needed? If all is perfect, is correction necessary?

I have reached the conclusion that healing is not the service being offered. Instead, the healing act is one of fostering unity. It teaches that two separate individuals are one. The slightest of healings can teach this. Soul readings share it at a deeper level than any of the healing I perform for body or mind because the soul structure is closer to the core of who we are.

In a similar fashion, I have contemplated justice. Vengeance (punishment) is not justice for such human judgements cannot equate the damages done by the crime and punishment. True justice is a healing act. The victim, perpetrator and those effected all receive the measure of healing needed.  With that healing, we again understand how we unified in the process and all is one.

All actions of spirit, prayer, magick, compassion, kindness are healing/unifying actions. There is but one perfection and but one right action, unifying works.

The Negative Approach of Golden Dawn

Note: I do not write these things to bash the Golden Dawn based orders. I believe they are vital contributors to Western spirituality and magick. I write in the hope that some future teacher finds these occasional offerings of value. 

The Golden Dawn was born of the western culture and has adopted one of its greatest fallacies, the idea that people are impure. The that man is defective likely comes from observation. We do all sorts of things that appear to be mistakes, are hurtful to others, or deadly. While we do behave poorly at times, the conclusion drawn is incorrect. This error is often reinforced by predominant religious views.

These views are part of the Golden Dawn culture too. As the Order is based at least nominally on Christianity and has many Christian adherents, it is not surprising. Though, even the more Pagan orders have this same view disguised as personal alchemy. They may use to terms like purifying the vessel but it is the same idea. There is some part of you that is bad and must be expunged.

I will be the first to admit that we need to shrug off negative build up, life is messy, and you have to get rid of those outer shells. The Work sometimes makes you feel like you are  just an animated matryoshka doll but it isn't all bad. While the qabala does point out virtues and vices of the sephiroth, I see little mention of the former in GD rituals and I know virtues were almost entirely ignored in my training.

The focus on what is wrong with a person puts them in a very negative, almost helpless, and dependent position. It hyper focuses on the 'teacher' as rescuer and dampens the idea of being one's own personal reconciler.

It may be from my studies toward becoming a life coach but I see so much more positive now. That same life that contributed to the negative build up also provided skills and strengths. Never once did I hear anyone say, "Robert, you are excellent at x, here is how you can use that," or, "Have you thought of using your skill as a tarot reader to find which of your strengths can help you overcome this weakness?" Had I asked this during my training, I would like have heard some sincere reasoning about not wanting to puff up egos. Teaching people about their positive traits which may have gone unnoticed is not glorifying egos, it is empowering people to self-actualize their higher natures.

Some teachers reading this may consider my ideas overly optimistic but I challenge them to reconsider. Often we convince ourselves we are doing the right thing when in fact we are holding people back. Focusing only on the negative focuses the student on the rescuing capabilities of the teacher, making the student need to return again and again. I posit that the student's negative ego is being fed, as well as the teacher's positive ego. This is obvious from the outside but not so obvious when one is up close.

I believe a more holistic approach to spiritual teachings is in order (pun intended). Golden Dawn teachers should incorporate approaches that help uncover the positive aspects of a person as well as those that must be purified.

(Photo: Original uploader was Mhrmaw at en.wikipedia)

Rosicrucian Initiation Dream

Last night, I dreamed of standing for a Rosicrucian initation. I am not sure how I knew what it was but I knew. I did see the Golden Dawn cross and triangle on the altar. This was a very clear dream. The feeling was very natural. I was in the right place.

At some point, the dream jumped like a badly spliced movie. I was on my knees before the altar like in a GD style initiation. There was a jackass behind me that was sort of a wild man that tried to make it scary. He didn't succeed. The officiant scolded him, telling him that we left that behind long ago. A sword blade pressed against my neck,"...as I bow my neck before the blade of the Hiereus..."

Normally, that is done blindfolded and before the altar in the near center of the room and which is west of the two pillars. Here there were no pillars but two objects very close to my left and right. Both were covered by clothes. I felt like I was very pressed in by these objects but I was not claustrophobic.

This dream was VERY real.

The feeling of being closed in is reflected in the previous about being told not to heal and being in a caccoon.

Soul Says No Healing

Tonight, there will be two posts as two topics have arrived that need immediate recording.

I have attempted four healing sessions in four days. The results have been...neutral.

I know a woman that has consistent migraines. I have offered from time to time and she took me up on it earlier in the week. When I tried to get to her I was told no by my soul. However, I pushed through. What I saw wasn't a migraine but sort of a spiritual shock to her system. I helped out (maybe a little) and then told her what I saw. I regret telling her as it may have made her feel bad. She has another healer option that sounds like a good bet. I could do the work but it would be different.

A faithful client and friend ask me to heal a family member. Again, my soul said no. I pushed to see her anyway. I did no work but asked why I was getting a no. I was told that I could get her out of this emergency situation but that the long term effects of my healing would be difficult on the patient and that I would be imposing my will upon her and G-d. Exit stage left.

A long distance friend needed some aid as well over the last couple of weeks. I think my work has been moderately effective but not great. I expect to do better. Last night's work on another issue of his was a bust.

My Gal asked for help tonight and again I was told no. I do a lot of work for her and have always been successful. I asked why I was being told no. "We" (here we go with We again) said that I am being 'cocooned'. Sigh.

So, I may be off the healing track for a bit but maybe I will return stronger? I don't know.

Habits of Spiritual Living (by request)

I received an anonymous comment to The Distance Between You and God post which read in part,

... I am unaware of the process you went through to achieve the state that you are in. Would you be able to share that with those who are new to your world? I also realize that if I take the same steps you did I might not reach the state that you are currently in, but still...a little outline might be good...

So, I am going to start a serious of posts called, Habits of Spiritual Living. These are things that I picked up along the way that I have found to be of value, even if I cannot pinpoint how exactly they helped. Posts will also contain items that I may have knew about beforehand, but really came to the for after the shard meditation. I will include magick that I have done as well. However, I am very convinced that magick is not necessary to reach more recognizable spiritual states.

I want to make it clear that these are things that I have found helpful. There is no guarantee they will work for you. If you try any part of what I posted under this title and and it doesn't work for you, print out the article, burn it and beat the ashes with a stick! Think no more about it. It doesn't mean anything, just keep going.

I suppose the first of the series was written yesterday before I knew I would be starting this. You can read Finding Peace here.

There will not be an ending to this series, nor will I beat it to death and only post on this topic. I will write as I am inspired. Habits for spiritual living will develop as I continue on my journey. I hope some of you will find these articles of value.

Finding Peace

Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Peace is an elusive experience. Most of us do not know what what peace is. Though, we do know what peace is not: anxiety, lack of self-worth, worry, fear, distrust, arrogance, self-abasement, hate, dislike, and contempt. None of these things are of value.

Think of how hard you have to work to maintain those attitudes. You have to find something to be anxious about. You have to make up things to keep your self-esteem in the basement. You have to imagine things to fear. You have to seek reasons to distrust even people that you have never met. You have to hold on to the white hot coals of anger to maintain your hate. You have to twist your logic in knots to find 'reasons' to dislike something -- anything. These states are worthless and we maintain them with our random thoughts and imaginations.

Often we go so far as to borrow things from our past to prop up this nonsense! These memories are anchors keeping one in a tidal pool of insanity. You can untie yourself from the memories and step out of the pool. It is likely that you are so stuck in the past that there is a corresponding physical object that invokes that memory in your house. Do not go looking for it. You will find reasons not to find it.

Instead, look about you right now. Somewhere within your vision is something that is clutter, trash, dusty, present but forgotten. Get up and toss it in the trash. It has sentimental value? Really? Then why is it clutter, trash, dusty, present and forgotten? It has no value. Sentiment is an anchor to the past. Throw it away.

From that point forward move through your house every day and find something to clean up or toss out. You will come across things with negative attachments. You will find a scrap of paper that reminds you of that girl, a picture of a parent that reminds you of a traumatic time, a key chain given to you by a frenemy. You will be able to toss these objects out because you've already learned to throw away other debris from your past. Stuff means nothing but the memories attached to that stuff can keep you wallowing in a pool of unrest.

When you physically throw away these objects that action says more than, I am ready to let this go. The action is letting go. 

Will this cure all your ills? Will it be the magic salve that turns your life around? Probably not. It will help. You will have taken a bold step. You have stated that you have the will to move on, that you are willing to live in the present and that you are willing to do what is necessary to obtain peace.

Peace, my brothers and sisters, is being in alignment with G-d. Peace is being within that bounty, the unfolding. Peace is living in the now and you cannot do that clinging to yesterday.

-- Robert

The Distance Between You and G-d

You may feel that the distance between you and G-d is so vast that you think the closest you will get to "Him" is a Charlton Heston movie. You look at your current state of being, the continual mistakes, the uncontrollable habits, the fears and insecurities and you feel unworthy of your friends. You look at the past and you see little more than a wondering path of good times and bad, poor decisions that you exactly to where you are now. You look forward and see nothing better. After all, you will always be there.

Life Sucks!

You are absolutely correct. Life will suck you down a vacuum tube and drop you off exactly where you need to be. When that lightbulb clicks on and you see everything as perfect, when you hear your soul, when you know what you're supposed to do, you will understand your entire past. You will understand every mistake. You will know why you had to make them and suffer their consequences.

You. Will. Understand.

Of course, once you do, understanding means little. You simply will not care about the past. You will live in the now. You will build a future by being in the present and it is glorious.

You can do this. All you have to do is keep working. Keep going internal. Ask yourself provocative questions. Keep asking. You will awaken and find that state to be glorious. Continue my friends, continue.

Peace...it's everything it is cracked up to be.

Completion of the Great Work

So what has happened? 

A few weeks ago, my soul told me to celebrate my PTSD was cured. I allowed myself to feel the joy. I believed my soul. Though, I wasn't sure of when. Would it go away and come back? Did my soul  have a different concept of time?

Then I did the shard meditation. Something has seriously changed. 

There are no PTSD symptoms. I feel sad or nostalgic or something like that but nothing sticks. I am not sleeping much but that is due to either my back issue or being so deliriously happy that my energy levels skyrocket. 

I definitely talk to my highest soul now. There is not the slightest doubt.  I have some knowledge of that which directly connects it to the Divine. There is a plan for my life. I am following that plan and I am excited. 

My healing work for others is doing great. 

I feel that I have accomplished everything I ever wanted to as a magician. I am whole. I can do kick ass magick. I am aware of my divine link. 

Have I completed the Great Work? No.

The Great Work includes simply BEING in alignment with your soul and DOING  what you are supposed to be doing. The Great Work does not end. We simply continue to unfold. 

You can do this too. Have no doubt. You can do it. Take the steps. Keep taking them. No matter how hard it gets, keep walking forward. Know that someday, you will deeply connect to your soul and G-d. You are so close right now. So very close.

You have seen my struggles. I have hidden nothing. You know it is hard. Now, I am going to show you why the journey is worth the effort.

Let Peace descend upon you my brothers and sisters! You are perfect. You are divine. All you have to do, is remember. 

February 4, 2013: 10:30 PM

On this day and approximate time, I will celebrate my spiritual birthday. That was the day, I became whole by becoming less.

Idle Hands...

Less than four days ago, my life changed forever. Cutting the soul shard away was the best spiritual decision I ever made. I know my life plan and am moving towards that path with confidence and dispatch. This knowledge has made me consider the days before my rebirth.

The old yarn, "Idle hands are the Devil's workshop," came to mind. This statement is repeated because it is true but let's look at why.

Idleness is contrary to the soul. The soul is fiery, creative and passionate. One cannot be passionately idle. If you have no passion, you not in alignment with your soul.

Hands are creative. They are tools of the soul. In Hebrew Yod is associated with the hand and it's number is 10. One plus zero is one. Unity. We are intimately unified with what we create. It manifests the soul. If you are not creating something (using a very large definition of create), you are not in alignment with your soul. Failing to create is failing your soul.

The Devil is the adversary.  He shows you what is outside the soul. Idleness

NOTE: the above was posted accidentally as part of my ramblings. I am not sure I would have posted it on purpose. To continue...

His creative nature is in misplaced sexuality, addictions, over-eating, distractions. He allows you stoop down into that darkly splendid world wherein continually lie a faithless depth and Hades wrapped in gloom. Delighting in unintelligible images, precipitous winding, a dark ever-rolling abyss, ever espousing a body unluminous, formless and void.

Nothing

Nothing has changed. Nothing. My life is exactly as it was.

Now,  I am deliriously happy. Nutty happy. Energy explosion. 

Nothing has changed; everything is different. 

I am clear. Clear.

Hit the Mother Load

The shard meditation (last post) was HUGE. HUGE.

I know exactly why I have had every major problem in my life. They all boil down to one thing. ONE THING. Everything is down to ONE thing. One.

Remove the one thing and I am happy. Even knowing the one thing, I am ecstatic.

I know how to remove it. I am very confident that such problems will be greatly reduced in the feature as I have seen the deeper dynamic.

I am not quite going to post the details yet. You know me. I will and probably sooner than I expect.

Holy cow, I feel like I know more about the trials of my life than I ever expected. I had know idea you could KNOW to this level.

Can I just say...WOW? Holy mother of all creatures great and small, this is going to be fun.

I have already done something out of character...

Soul Repair?

My failed relationships with women are well known. What I don't screw up, they run from. This is less true of female friends, except that if I make any attempt, aware or not, to create a tighter Platonic bond, they bolt as well. There are also cases of relationships the complexities of which broke apart before they started, even if they lasted quite some time. Trust me, that makes sense in my head.

So over the last few weeks, the Disciple and I have had some problems. We always enjoyed a psychic link. We are aware of each other. She feels it more strongly than I do. I feel it almost subconsciously. She assumes that I have more detail than I have because her awareness of the link is usually stronger.

That link broke with no help for either party. Such a thing has never happened to me before. The other day, something shoved her, as she puts it, 'out of the periphery of your life'. For a while, I thought she meant that I did some sort of magick to do that. Instead, she feels there is some sort of spirit between us that pushes us apart.

I didn't reject the idea out of hand. If it did exist, I figured it could be her as well as me. After all, people externalize, project and do all sorts of weirdness. Talent and level of achievement do not make one completely immune from being human.

So, I spoke with a friend out on the disc golf course. He said something to the effect that if it exists it has to do with your mother. This is a sore subject for me. The reason being is that when I began to have troubles in my first group, specifically with the acting-hps, the hp floated to, and stuck by, the idea that I had issues with my mother that I was projecting onto the acting-hps. I didn't buy it then. I still do not.

Later, he admitted that no one trusted her at all. However, many still held to the idea, which I felt that given his admission was intellectually dishonest. This poison was spread via the hp to the person who taught me Golden Dawn style work. This skewed that person's perspective as well. At the very least, it was a fall back point.

So, given that a) my relationships with woman are usually strained until they break b) the Disciple, regardless of being right or wrong, is truthful and sincere, c) my friend bringing up the mother thing and d) I am tired of this pattern, I did the Advanced MM tonight.

In my ontology the shape of the soul is a tetrahedron. This is not unprecedented  Crowley described the cities across the abyss of being full of pyramids which he attributed to souls, if I recall correctly.

I was shown my tetrahedron as a clear crystal around me. One of the upsloping edges was flaking away from the upper most point. It remained attached only by a thin layer at the bottom.

I was told to work out which edge. The tetrahedron is simple. Each of the sides is comprised of fire, water and air. It must be kept in mind that these are the fiery parts of these elements as the symbol is of fire. The edge was obviously the join between fire and water.

When you are way up there, the join we are speaking of is between Chokmah/Fire and Binah/Water. Binah is female, the womb, that which gives form, the mother of us all. They say I have mother issues...

I asked what can cause the soul to break like that. The response was a feeling that it was all too much for me to understand  and that it occurred before lifetimes were a consideration. My job? Release the shard from my soul. Will it heal? Yes. In this lifetime? No or not completely.  Will releasing it solve my problem? [In the larger sense.] Yes. Why does this happen? 

That is the type of question I have long learned will not be answered. Much to my surprise I heard one. Just like we have to shed some of ourselves to grow spiritually so does the Greater Neschemah. This shard prevents it from traveling past the spirit that couples souls to the divine. The soul must be willing to lose part of itself to ascend. Wow.

At some point, it become obvious the shell resembled a feather...writing. Electronic communications in the form of texts and emails have always been troublesome for me. I've lost a lot of friends from that. So there is a form of damage caused by this shard. I was unaware these issues were related.

A man that goes by the name of VI pointed out to me once that I am a very talented public speaker. He posited that if I communicated verbally instead of via print most of my conflicts with other magicians would not have occurred. He said things make much more sense coming from me verbally.

His statement, the feather shape of the shard, and all these associated thoughts explained to me how I could send a completely professional email and have people lose their minds at work and how very similar things have happened in my private life. It also explains that when I have a non-professional email to send, I cannot resist. Of course, the same has happened privately too.

Yes, I was a bit afraid but this was a no brainer; I slices off a bit of my soul and let it fall down down down.

Immediately, I recalled shard is a Kabbalistic word. This quote is from My Jewish Learning.

"Primordial Man"

Following this, a third element, a ray from God's hidden essence (Ein Sof) entered the empty space and acted upon the existing mixture of reshimu and Din. This illuminating ray serves as a permanent link between Ein Sof and the empty space. The form of the divine produced by this first ray of light is termed the "Primordial Man" (Adam Qadmon). The latter is described with vivid anthropomorphic detail.

The lights shining from Adam Qadmon's "ears," "nose," and "mouth" constituted a collective or perfectly unified structure. But the light issuing from the "eyes" emanated in a different manner. They were atomized or separated into different sefirot so as to require their containment in special vessels or qelim.

The Breaking of the Vessels: Broken Shards and Holy Sparks

These vessels, composed of a "thicker" light, were to serve as "shells" for the purer light. In the process of emanation, however, some of these vessels were unable to contain the fight within them, and consequently shattered under the pressure, scattering themselves into the empty space. This event is known in the Lurianic texts as "shevirat ha-qelim," or the "breaking of the vessels."

In the wake of this event, most of the light that had been contained in the vessels returned to their divine source, while the remainder fell below into the empty space and attached themselves to the now broken shards of vessels. From these shards of broken vessels the powers of the qelipot, that is, "husks" or "shells" were produced. These are the evil forces of the "other side," the sitra ahra.

In addition to constituting the source of evil, the broken shards are also the basis for the material world. The sparks of light that failed to return to their source above remained trapped, as it were, among theqelipot. The qelipot, in turn, are constantly nourished and strengthened by the holy sparks attached to them. Indeed, were it not for these sparks, the qelipot would lose their life and power altogether.

In the wake of this event, most of the light that had been contained in the vessels returned to their divine source, while the remainder fell below into the empty space and attached themselves to the now broken shards of vessels. From these shards of broken vessels the powers of the qelipot, that is, "husks" or "shells" were produced. These are the evil forces of the "other side," the sitra ahra.
Now, considering at that level there is no time, the shard was both me at the highest levels and qlippoth, qelipot as mentioned above. Demonic is another term associated with this sort of energy. Though the qlippoth are more macrocosmic than something that should come off of my soul or...maybe...not? I don't know.

This is pretty surreal stuff. In meditation it is all so real but in writing this post...it seems...difficult to believe but oh so right at the same time. 

The proof of this will come in my life. While there has been huge improvement in my electronic communication of late and even friendly relationships, there are still obvious problems. If this actually happened, if this meditation really did release a shard, my life will change. Then again, there is no time up there. Maybe, I will never see a change in this lifetime. Providence is patient. It moves slowly. 

Note: If I butchered this post, let me know where it got confusing and I will try to clear it up. I am a bit tired but I had to get this recorded.

Impact

I am an emotional guy. I am more comfortable expressing them than most men are. I feel no shame in being angry, happy, spiritual or any other emotion. I have nothing to hide. Historically, my emotions have had a downward arc. I have been more often neutral to down than in the emotionally up range.

The other day, I was doing the advanced manifestation meditation and I was very clearly told what I am expected to do on a daily basis.

• I am to read up on becoming a life coach and pursue that goal.
• I am to write the MM book and the triangle ritual paper
• I am to do things around the house from cleaning to throwing things out so I can sell this place and move on with my life. 

I am to allot a half hour a day to these tasks. I have interpreted that to mean 1.5 hours a day doing any combination of the above. Immediately, I implemented those instructions. I have been having a blast since because I have done the following:

• Hired a life coach under the theory that if I want to be one, I ought to have gone through the process.
• Hired a writing tutor/editor. I see her biweekly
• I have met the above goals every day since.

My energy levels are through the roof. There is a smile on my face. I even boogie a little walking down the street. The test came this weekend. I received some news that anyone in my position would find sad. In the past, such a thing would have scrambled my emotional cookies. This time, I was sad and a bit hurt. I thought about it for a while and then I thought, isn't there something I need to be doing? Boom! Back to happy mode.

Following your soul has many benefits. This is just one. 

EDIT: I am also supposed to meditate daily.

Listening, Feeling, Doing, Being

To live in accordance with the Spirit, you have to listen to the Spirit. You have to feel the Spirit. You need to talk to Spirit every single day. But that isn't quite enough.

When you feel It, YOU HAVE TO BE GRATEFUL.
When you hear It, YOU HAVE TO BE JOYFUL.
When you are goaded, when you want to do A and that Voice, that Feeling, is telling you to do B.

DO B
Be
BE

Every time you listen, feel and do, the bond grows. You don't have to do magick, meditate or do anything else but strive to listen, be open to feeling and be willing to do.

Simple. Very simple. No excuses.