Last night, I and one other member of the Conclave, Flower, entered my temple room. Because of my state of mind, we really didn't expect much.
The normal process is that I am "given" the mantra during our meditation. That happens very quickly. I focus on that for the rest of the meditation. Then I speak it out loud for the others. The deities then arrive into whom they choose. Of late, Hermes lands in me pretty clearly. Zues has dropped into me as well. That was a surprise. The women have had more subtle manifestations.
This time, the males were absent. This was not a huge surprise. I have not been very clear recently.
I saw a goddess, that I took to be a form of the Helpful Deity, standing between us. She was young and dressed in white. I felt patient compassion. I find it odd that seeing an image of a goddess before me is 'normal'.
Flower never saw this which is odd given that she sees much better than I. Odder still, Flower spoke loudly and clearly. Normally, she is so quiet it is hard to hear. The goddess had nothing to say to her and everything to say to me.
As we started, our arms locked in an ancient handshake. Our hands gripped each other's forearms. This is a decidedly unsexy form of touch but it was very intimate.
She told me that I am stronger than I think. She then broke into the sexiest words I have ever heard in temple. "Oh God, My God." The words were breathless, hot but not the least bit physically arousing. What came into me can only be described as a beast, my beast. It was huge, muscular, dark and was horny. In other words, it had horns. Oh, yeah, it was also horny. Later, I was told this scared Flower but the Goddess looked at her and all but laughed at her fright. At that instant, he was no longer excited. She told me that I am a warrior and not alone.
"There are many others like you, warrior. Look to your left and right." I did and saw a line of similar beasts to each side. They reminded me of a vision I once had of the 28 mansions of the moon marching in human form. I felt strong, powerful.
There was a lot about how I sharpen my sword but never use it. That as a warrior I am always seeking battle. This is not one of my favorite traits. "Is that good," I asked. "When you find a real battle [Yes]." However, I must discern what is a real battle.
She then told me that I am in a room of four windows and I only look out one. There is a meadow of fire, a white light that will blind me, a fountain and a fourth neither Flower or I can recall. I can't change what happens out there but I can change which window I look through.
She told me how fearful I am and how I have no reason to be. I asked her if she could take my fear. Naturally, the reply was no but, I learned later, she gave Flower a vision of how I could do that. More on that later.
Her love, patience and sheer size moved me deeply. I thanked her for Flower and the Witch and stated how I adored them. Flower says this made Her happy but that She did not bring my friends to me. I was so moved by Her that a few tears trickled down my face. I have done this before when I had a goddess invoked within me but never externally like this.
I asked of a friend that appears to be in trouble. "Is he in as much trouble as I think he is?"
The reply came, "Yes, he is drowning. He comes up for air and then allows himself to submerge. There are rocks in the river that he can catch and pull himself to shore but he chooses to ignore them."
"Can I help him?" I asked.
"No. Giving water to a drowing man is useless. If he pulls himself to shore, you can build him a fire."
I will do so.
I told Her at some point that I will do whatever She asked. "You will. You will build me a fountain." This was accompanied by a vision given to Flower.
I have internalized that vision to clear the fear within me. I have refreshed the idea all day. Today was one of my best days mentally in ages. As night fell, it is got harder. But so far, it is a good day.
Flower told me that she had no idea who the Goddess was. It was not whom we normally encounter.
EDIT: I normally wear a black robe. I own two of them. They are hung next to each other in the closet. They are hard to miss. I could not find either of them. After an exhaustive search, I oped for the white robe, which I almost never wear.