I really debated about posting this. One reason is that in reading it, it looks a like a lot of internal comfort stuff rather than communication. On the other hand, I ran it by a friend that knew my dad and asked about the parts that I didn’t understand. She said that those portions really sounded like him. Then I decided to post it regardless of the internal comfort parts as this is obviously part of my Work and that is what this space is about.
The Gentle Soul was with my during my not-so-good Friday and this morning. The woman is a saint. Going through that when a relationship is so new without complaint or as far as I can tell, even a suppressed complaint is quite remarkable and I didn’t see any of that.
Frankly, I was using her. Simply put, it was easier to man up when she was there. Falling apart would have been so out of character for me that my family just may have lost it. Instead, what I will remember the most about that Friday will be the comic relief. That is quite a gift.
Over coffee and a bagel, the Gentle Soul asked me if I would ever speak to my dad again like I did on Friday. I answered that I didn’t know. I know the theory about different parts of the personality fading but that theory isn’t a reality for me.
She was gone about fifteen minutes before I felt him. He called me Bob. I never thought about what name he used for me before. He never really used my name much when speaking to me.
He asked why could hear him and my sister could not. I told him my sister wants to believe in the after-life. I, on the other hand, am I magician and I can distinguish my own voice from his. This made sense to him.
He told me not to grieve but to remember baseball games, bike rides and dinners. He told me to remember all the times he took care of me. Once you allow yourself to grieve that everything you remember comes with the grief and those memories are what ‘you own’. There is no need to cloud them up. He told me not to look into the pool.
I understand that but that will be difficult.
He told me that my grandmother was there. “And Granddad,” I asked? I always had a great deal of respect for my grand father.
“Yes, but he is different. He is so ancient [of soul]. She is so young.”
Then he told me that he understood what I was trying to do with magick even though he did not understand how. “You can be what you want to be. You can help A LOT of people. You just have a few more doors to go through. You can do it. You are about as old as your Grandfather.”
“Am I older or younger?”
“I don’t know. At a certain point that distinction doesn’t matter.”
This is one of those things that confuses me. I have been told the dead don’t get any smarter. If this was him, can he see across planes? What would lead him to this conclusion?
“How can I walk through the doors? Can you help?”
He was gone. I saw a circle of masonry held up by columns. Someone said, “First impression.” And text appeared in the masonry. I could not read it. Then I heard, “Second impression.” And more text appeared. Then I heard, “Third impression.” I never could read the text.
“What is happening?” I asked to no one in particular.
“You don’t know? It is much like an initiation, where you are exposed to things that you do not understand but will.” I have no idea whom I was speaking to. It wasn’t my dad nor my HGA.
Did he arrange that? If so, how? Was I aware of enough due to his presence to connect to something? Was that all pure fantasy?
Dad again, “You can’t think about what you are trying to do. It isn’t about thought.” “Yes,” he said to my thought, “I served [like a Pisces – my term not his]. But none of that military stuff mattered. The most important thing you can learn right now is the everyday kindness that [the Gentle Soul] is teaching you.”
“I am not good at that.”
“Get good. That is really what matters in life. The military stuff, politics none of that matters. It is the everyday that has import. [The Gentle Soul] can teach you that. Learn from her.”
That was the part that didn’t sound like my dad but my friend explained to me how it really was. He’d have never said that in life but he did demonstrate it.
“From here I can see the love people have for you. [My mentor], [Bakersfield folks whom he couldn’t name]. It is too bad you cannot feel what they feel for you but most people can’t…”
This is great irony coming from my father. He could not even utter the words I love you to his own mother. He did love her and tried to show it but he couldn’t very well and could never say it.]
“You can feel [The Gentle Soul] though. You know [what she feels for you]. That is good.”
These things are not exact quotes. From time to time, I thought that he isn’t using the same words or phrasings my father would use. Other times, the tone was so right that it had to be him.
Somehow, all of this is telling me to work the path of Pisces to find that kindness. We will see.