Most never realized how bad it was. Six or seven years of constant thoughts, anger, emotional turmoil born from the emotional trauma. It was constant, daily, all the time. It was the first thought of the morning, the last of the evening. Every other thought I had, had to be pushed aside this overwhelming obsession, pain, anger, torment. At best I could succeed at going a couple hours but those times were rare. This occurred from the day of the primary event six or seven years ago to now. I took most of the joy and happiness out of being alive. There were times I hid it very well, if you didn't live with me. Many people I know would be very surprised to read the above. Over the years, I received a lot of advice
- realize you're just hurting yourself
- forgive
- accept
- get mad
- beat pillows
- meditation
- prayer
- compassion
- destroy the ego
- don't be so arrogent
- you're wasting energy
- just forget about it
All of these had some value, I suppose. None of them contained the answer.
What worked? I know some of that answer but not all of it yet. I'm still in the process of transformation. Sooner or later, I will be able to put it all into words.
3 comments:
"Just forget about it" is one of the stupidest fucking things one can say to someone who is recovering from trauma. (Umm, if I could just forget about it don't you think I would, asshole?)
Based on the level of turmoil and emotional pain you are describing, I would definitely recommend continued therapy with a competent therapist. (Alas, I know that such therapists can be difficult to find).
This article on "complicated grief" may prove useful or at least interesting to you.
I hope you are able to find your peace again by whatever means works for you. I've dealt with this kind of pain before and you are absolutely right: it does take most of the joy and happiness out of being alive.
Thanks. I have a better handle on peace now then since that happened. The odd part is when I notice I'm not thinking about it or when the final realization reappears and my entire body suddenly relaxes.
As for "just forget about it" or "you're just hurting yourself" advice, yes, I often thought that advice wasn't thought out well. However some very caring people offered it. I wouldn't call them assholes but they certainly did not understand.
Wow, I've been in the same headspace for the last six years. I'm starting to chill, though I'm not sure why. It's great not to be paranoid and furious 24/7.
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