Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Who is Really in Charge Here?

I have noticed some effects of transformation.

Yeah, I'm happier, you got that. That isn't the topic of this post. What I'm noticing is that this is an automated process. I have no choices here. 

Kenaz posted something the other day or last week that would have set me off. He didn't say anything wrong but it would have hit that button. There was no impact. None. Zero. This is not the same as deciding there would be no impact.

I had a conversation with a friend on instant messenger. She brought up a painful incident, which I recalled, experienced the painful emotion which passed right through. I didn't hang on. No part of me reached for it. No part of me got mad. No part of me sought to understand or explain. These were not decisions I made.

I sat in a training today on a long drawn out project that has frustrated everyone involved. I've known these people for years. I realized that I loved them all. I didn't decide this. It just is.

I have no more control over this than I did the obsession, which is why I got irritated when folks would say well you are only hurting yourself as if they thought I could just turn it off. I could not any more than I could decide to do anything else an in the situations above.

This implies that thoughts are not our core selves but they can seriously impact us. Thoughts are things in and of themselves but they are not us. There is a core that is hidden by thought. 

In my prior life, my mind controlled itself. Now, something else does. My spirit? One of the aspects of my soul? Was the nephesch in charge then and the ruach now?

The mental transformation trigger was not expected by anyone else. Looking back, my mentor just kept throwing stuff against the wall until something stuck. I'm not criticizing, it was a tough problem.

The magickal trigger was never hinted at by anyone but I can see the analogy in what was suggested by some.

My point in this is not to let anyone tell you to 'just get over' your emotional pain. It takes as long as it takes. I think the best you can do is make an effort to get over it and eventually you'll find the right clue. You can also try to deal with the pain without being a son of a bitch. I didn't succeed at that last part very well but I'm sure trying to helped in some unknown and unmeasurable way. No way to tell if that trying helped very little or a lot. My secondary point is that you are not your thoughts. They are transitory illusions at best.

3 comments:

Jow said...

Amen. I was a mess after my dad passed. Just angry all the time, and entitled. It took me a very long time to get over that. It takes as long as it takes. Though someone can help you find a path out the other side, you still have to walk out the other side. There is no going back to where you were. You have to become something new.

Gwynt-Siarad said...

Thank you

Rufus Opus said...

I have no more control over this than I did the obsession, which is why I got irritated when folks would say well you are only hurting yourself as if they thought I could just turn it off. I could not any more than I could decide to do anything else an in the situations above.

Congrats, you're heading towards your own version of Calvinism and Predestination. We get over things when we get over things, not before, not after. Things happen in "the fullness of time."

But I'd like to point out that you have been Working on these issues magically for years now. You're seeing the results. The way they're manifesting in your sphere are the way the gifts I've received from the Archangels and other spirits manifest in my own sphere. I don't *do* anything differently, but things *are* different anyway.