Tuesday, August 31, 2010
I have dreamed many a dream about dead bodies, my own death, other people have dreamed of my death and I've even both killed myself and been killed in dreams. Killed dead. It isn't true that if you die in dreams you die in real life.
There are other death themes that I cannot post here.
Today, My Gal made a decision to give away her beloved jacuzzi rather than having it stay and rot in my place. This is a reflection of death of our relationship and a death for her as she really really loved that jacuzzi. It makes me feel like shit.
So today, my mentor announced the official death of the Bennu-Kheper lodge, which practiced in the style of the Golden Dawn. That lodge was a foundation of my spiritual life. It also kept me trapped dealing with a small subset of people that took great joy in causing some serious pains in my life. They may have regretted it later. I don't know. So being rid of it isn't a bad thing on the whole. It is an end of a chapter. A very significant chapter and it makes me sad to see it go.
I can see magickal obligations for me elsewhere. I've previously mentioned seeing the future and not being willing to rush out and meet it. Something things only fools wish upon themselves. However, we do learn to serve on this path and I owe.
I pay my debts.
The problem is that I'm not ready to pay them. You can't pay a bill if you don't have the cash. This too makes me sad. I've blown a lot of opportunities to grow faster, sooner, with more enthusiasm and more joy. I have little choice now.
Or maybe it is just one more delusion of grandiosity that will have to die too. I've learned not to take my perceptions too seriously no matter how many of them prove true.
I am fully ready to die, figuratively. I'm not that far away from being ready to die literally. However, I am not so ready to experience other people's pain. I've been a selfish asshole for a long time. That it infinitely easier than having a heart and feeling love, compassion and empathy.
I'm also more than a little drunk. So, I suppose I will regret this post tomorrow. That is okay. It may, in an odd way, give people some hope.