Tuesday, August 31, 2010


I have been learning a lot about death over the last two years.

I have dreamed many a dream about dead bodies, my own death, other people have dreamed of my death and I've even both killed myself and been killed in dreams. Killed dead. It isn't true that if you die in dreams you die in real life.

There are other death themes that I cannot post here.

Today, My Gal made a decision to give away her beloved jacuzzi rather than having it stay and rot in my place. This is a reflection of death of our relationship and a death for her as she really really loved that jacuzzi. It makes me feel like shit.

So today, my mentor announced the official death of the Bennu-Kheper lodge, which practiced in the style of the Golden Dawn. That lodge was a foundation of my spiritual life. It also kept me trapped dealing with a small subset of people that took great joy in causing some serious pains in my life. They may have regretted it later. I don't know. So being rid of it isn't a bad thing on the whole. It is an end of a chapter. A very significant chapter and it makes me sad to see it go.

I can see magickal obligations for me elsewhere. I've previously mentioned seeing the future and not being willing to rush out and meet it. Something things only fools wish upon themselves. However, we do learn to serve on this path and I owe.

I pay my debts.

The problem is that I'm not ready to pay them. You can't pay a bill if you don't have the cash. This too makes me sad. I've blown a lot of opportunities to grow faster, sooner, with more enthusiasm and more joy. I have little choice now.

Or maybe it is just one more delusion of grandiosity that will have to die too. I've learned not to take my perceptions too seriously no matter how many of them prove true.

I am fully ready to die, figuratively. I'm not that far away from being ready to die literally. However, I am not so ready to experience other people's pain. I've been a selfish asshole for a long time. That it infinitely easier than having a heart and feeling love, compassion and empathy.

I'm also more than a little drunk. So, I suppose I will regret this post tomorrow. That is okay. It may, in an odd way, give people some hope.


S.L. Æris said...

Don't dare apologize.

S.L. Æris said...

Don't dare apologize. I feel your pain acutely. I feel it myself. At least I am not the only one who feels like this, despite all my efforts at inner transformation.

Jack Faust said...

"Deriftism" is my word verification. As a made up word, I guess it doesn't matter.

But death doesn't mean defeat. Just change; endless, myriad changes. As a fool who rushes and then regrets, my regrets are a bit different. But the point is where you are, not where you wish you were.

I hope you feel better in the morning, buddy.

elizabeth said...

One can never know the future with 100% certainty. Sometimes good fortune comes out of heart/gut wrenching experiences. Try to carry yourself with dignity through hardship, as dismal as it may appear, and embrace change/death. Learn to flow with it, through it, and beyond. Trial/transformation by fire tests your mettle. Peace. E.

Christopher said...

I can understand your pain.

For a number of years I had a teacher whose work was a great part of my spiritual life for many years. My relationship with this teacher soured once I discovered issues of honesty in regards to both the teacher and the teachings.

Needless to say, I had to leave. However, it was painful and frightening to be bereft of such a meaningful anchor...even one that was ultimately the cause of some suffering.

I'm sure that ultimately you will be fine. You may find that this freedom is exactly what you need.

Norma said...

Something is right around the corner, I'd lay down good money to bet on this. It isn't often I find myself where you are (but it does happen) - but I find it happens almost like a purge that empties me out before something awe-ful in both senses hits and moves me for the better.

Fasten your seatbelts, remember to breathe. I'll set a light for you if you like, when whatever it is comes round the corner.

Soror Abyss-Eyes said...

I went through an experience recently in leaving a beloved group. It could have been worse, I am sure.
I think I will just be practicing solo or with my partner for a while.

The whole "feeling other people's pain." is part of why I ended up joining the group in the first place, but I seem to be able to be more selfish now.

Also I have a whole lot of love for things that human beings really shouldn't love.