Monday, July 12, 2010

Things I'm Struggling With

I wrote this post on  Friday, July 9. I am not sure why I didn't publish it then or when I am publishing it today.

Topic 1

I like the self-improvement part of magick. Readers of this space know that I have anger/frustration issues. They may not know how much they have improved. Someone recently told me that she believes them from various things people have said at work (which hurts my feelings even if I know they are true) but has never seen them in action. She'd been there over six months. There is huge external improvement there.

On the other hand, when I met Jason he made the very good point that you simply can't always live to improve the outer personality. You could spend lifetimes doing that. He is correct. For me, it is more correct to say that focusing on failings holds me back more than the failings at this point. There is a certain trust and self-understanding needed to the magick. I have that now. However, I can't abandon the personal alchemy part. I've seen too many arrogant magick users do too much damage.

So, I am trying to work more on enhancing positives and improving my work and study as a magician overall. This is a more difficult mindset switch than I would have anticipated. However, I know I can do more than what I've been doing and from a broader perspective.

Trust of more than just myself is necessary. I am developing that. Sometimes. More often than I would have thought, I have that. This is cool but oddly a struggle.

Note: More recently I posted that I will be spending more time doing magick that blogging. That is part of the above. However on Wednesday, July 7, my back went south. I've been on a lot of medication and therefore not doing any magick at all. I have managed to walk a lot of Weeds on Netflix.

Topic 2

I need to gain a deeper and broader education about magick and various practices. Yet, I have the hardest time doing that, even though I have Jason's course staring me in the face, a good library and the ability to acquire what I need. I need to make some tools. I have the funds. I have the time. And I do nothing? Seriously. WTF?

Given my lack of effort on Jason's course, I am considering taking his name off the header of the blog. Not because I do not think his course is not valuable but  because I haven't been working hard at it. I do not want to be like one of those folks that claim to be Golden Dawn after one initiation, a drop out and no work. One initiation, dropping out and still doing a lot of work is cool in my book.

If I don't get back to it soon, I will drop his name off the header. I will put it back when I actually do his course. 

Topic 3

I have a formula now to do more effective magick then I've ever done. That CM rite that allowed me to consciously project was the cat's meow. Yet, I haven't done it again. WTF?

Am I afraid to move on? Am I afraid to grow? I just realized that topics 1 through 3 are all related.

Topic 4

I am beginning to wonder if I have invoked HD a bit too often too quickly. I have had one minor ego bubble occur that busted on its own without any following. I know too much invocation can be a problem. I am being careful. However, I will have something to say on this post soon.

1 comment:

HilbertAstronaut said...

This question seems tangential, but -- do you ever get this thing where as soon as you "get somewhere" in the Work, some other part of you seems to take over and back off in fear and force you back? What _is_ that, and how does one get rid of it?