Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Fooling Myself - Psychic Stuff

Tonight I am alternating between some house work, a Dodger game and the laptop.

A thought occurred to me that I am missing the boat or fooling myself. Perhaps I am thinking I am doing the work of personal alchemy but instead I am avoiding. I posted not long ago that one can only do some much personal alchemy before it just becomes self-flagellation. No one is perfect.

Maybe I'm fighting so hard not to be some negative examples of my past rather than simply becoming. I wonder why I haven't repeated the work that got me astral. I wonder why I haven't continued studying the material that will take me to the next level. I wonder why I still won't meditate on a regular basis even though I simply love it.

Are these discussions ranging from evangelism to my personal hiccups just a distraction? Should I just be in temple every day doing as much magick as I can handle? It isn't that today is a bad day or that I'm depressed. I've been subtly chewing on this for a while.

Partner Stuff

I am becoming very in tune with my HD partner. If she is having a rough day or experiencing highs or lows in emotions, I feel them. Nine times out of ten I can tell her what caused the emotion or turn it the abstract emotion into accurate enough English words. The one time I missed, I assumed something from a fact I knew rather than paying attention to my intuition as to her physical location. Yesterday, I went looking for her as I hadn't had an intuition about her and was able to describe both mood and the scene even though I've never been where she was.

Years ago, I would have been impressed with myself. Now I wonder, what would I ever do with this?  If Timmy falls down a well, I may be of use. Aside from that, I'm at a loss.

1 comment:

Norma said...

I could be off base here, but this sounds like the wilderness portion of the journey. Where you aren't sure if it is worth it, where you think that it's all a hack, where you feel useless and clueless and lost.

Now, as they say, "your mileage may vary." But what if you accept that you don't know and make it ok to not know for a while? You may be getting some tools before you get clear instruction on how to use them. Would you consider praying or meditating or however you practice, and asking for the patience and bravery to walk the path that you need to walk even if you have to do it in the dark for a while? Or barring that, a little clarity so you won't feel so scrambled?

Hoping you'll come out of this stronger & more sure-footed.