First, in my last post, Gain and Shame, I chastised myself for seeing someone I was healing graphically naked. This disturbed me. One of my saving graces in magick is that I am not afraid or ashamed to share my challenges. I firmly believe hiding your mistakes is a sign of an ego problem.
In this case, the mistake was not what I thought it was.
The person was not the first person I have seen naked in such a circumstance. The first was a soul reading while this one was an emotional healing. The first did not bother me over much. This one did. Why I am not sure. In neither case did I make a pass, flirt or was even tempted to do so.
I did the Meditation and was told that this was a sign that the person was not hiding from me. They trusted me enough to be fully exposed. It should be noted that what I saw did not match reality. So, I am not really seeing anyone naked. I am getting a symbol of trust. Obvious when you stop to think about it.
My mistakes were a) freaking out about it and b) sharing my issue with someone I was healing. To me, the latter was a far bigger mistake because it could have freaked her out. I could have taken away an opportunity for someone to heal.
Having My Soul Read
So, I figured turn about was fair play. Actually, I asked Lon DuQuette recently how I can so easily heal others but not myself. He laughed and said it is sort of like turning around real fast to look at the back of your own head. He then suggested I give my ability to heal to someone else so they can heal me. This gave me the idea of doing the Meditation, linking to Flower and then reversing the link so she could read me.
The problem was that Flower does not translate images and magickal things into words very well. She often has a hard time speaking.
Initially, she saw the household spirit standing next to me. we are not sure what this is. We get no benevolence from it and no malevolence. She said this figure grew strong and muscular and for a moment she thought it was me. That gets significant later.
She then looked at my Nephesch and found a little boy. This is not an unusual image. She saw adult broad shouldered men walking away from me. This makes sense as I have never had a strong relationship with father figures. When my father left my mother his lover, who later became his wife, asked him how I would handle it. He replied, "I don't know him. I have no idea how he will react." I was twelve.
Flower then saw many men pass by my life their shadows falling up me only to then move on with their lives and me always waiting to go somewhere but never knowing where. Never did she see a female in this.
She looked to my automatic personality and saw an alarm clock and felt the inspiration to move and grow. There was no goal just the need to grow. The latter makes obvious sense. The former made sense to me. I have always had a sense of urgency in this work. I always have felt my time was running out. I have described my quest as a race to bewildered elders. They don't get that I'm not racing against anyone just time.
She looked to my Ruach (Divine Personality) and saw a cop. This bewildered her. I later explained that people's HGA often makes an appearance in people's dreams as authority figures and in this culture that often appears as a police officer. I drew from this that my belief that I have my HGA contact is correct.
This image merged into me just like the last one. This makes me wonder if my household spirit is an externalized version of my Nephesch. I have no idea on that one.
She then saw that 'left behind' motif and the loneliness it brings. I could tell she was hit hard by the next bit. She says it comes form a long long time ago. This is lifetimes and lifetimes.
Flower saw a need for balance between black and white. This confused her because she doesn't see me as a black and white guy. This is not unusual. Many of my friends would say I have a very black and white viewpoint. The rest would say that is ridiculous. Though, I think she was just talking about the interplay of opposites.
Then she tried for the greater neschemah, the immortal soul. She found blackness, a huge expanse of space and darkness. Within was a bright white light. so bright she could not look at it. She just kept whispering. "You are so close. So close to the God. You are so close. So close to the God."
I could take this as success in my work. Then again, what do I always say? We are all so very close.