I had a chat with my HGA the other night.
He explained that part of what I am going through stems from my approach to the Great Work. I've always aspired to the highest. While I haven't always succeeded through my actions, I've kept focus on that lofty aspiration. Having lofty goals is good in a way. All that energy focused in one direction for so long has created certain gateways that will prove beneficial. There is also a downside.
My mentor is fond of telling folks to enjoy where they are at. My aspiration was on the ultimate, which is good, but my focus was there as well. That is not so good. Focusing on the present, immersing myself in the work of my grade, finding the divine at all levels would have been more productive.
I am not beating myself up. Nor am I saying I've made some mistake. No one can go through the grades and learn every lesson and avoid every pitfall. I am saying this is a lesson of the moment. Enjoy who I am. Uncover the fullness of the divine within instead of aspiring to some lofty height.
Maybe, when I do that, these wild swings between fiery sarcastic disrespectful attitudes on one hand and joyous love on the other will be reconciled.
Edit: If you're not reading Rune Soup. You should be.