I haven't blogged as much of late. Things have not been good. I've been a cranky ass. It has been very difficult to be pleasant.
My problem, I think, is that I succeeded in finding a way up the tree but I went too far too fast. I am fortunate in that I have seen the forces that conflict within me in a different light. I've seen them from within and from without. I've learned about the expansion of love and severity of the sword. I've learned, actually I knew long before this, that I lean to the latter in non-physically violent ways. I have little choice now but to repair some damage I did to myself as I was learning.
Back then, I vibrated the names of Geburah a lot. I did this through fear. I thought the best way to learn magick was to build strength first. I needed to 'protect myself' from whatever I may find 'up there' on the astral. I was too green to understand but apparently talented enough to get some energy moving. I never balanced that on the other side. Now, I have little choice.
Seeing the need is one thing. Going through the emotional turmoil is another. The impact that can have on those around me is difficult for me. As I said, I think I went too far. On the other hand, if I can get there and I did get there maybe I was meant to be there. Maybe now is the time I need I need to learn. I do welcome the lesson.
Regardless, it has made me quiet, lonely, angry and fearful.
Oddly, the joy of past lessons peaks through. I can be in a great fun, loving mood in an instant but then fall back. In that joy, there is hope.