In my Live From Pantheacon post, I mentioned I received a Hebrew Lot reading from Elisheva Nesher. The context of the reading was "How can I get past being stuck in my chosen path?" I don't normally discuss my Golden Dawn life here at all. Truth be told I've been stuck in the same initiatory grade for four years. Given the potential fall out of that sort of longevity in this grade, I have held it together quite well.
The first thing she said was that I've been traumatized in a religious setting by someone I'd call 'sister'. She doesn't know me and that pegged some things so clearly there she had my complete attention. She said this person "sinned against me" and then she used some adjective like grievously. She went on to say that I blame myself. She emphasized quite clearly that this situation was not caused by my actions and I am not responsible for the actions of others.
Elisheva is a former Israeli commando. She is a grandmother that would be happy to bake you cookies and show you great love and kindness. She is also one tough matriarch. When Elisheva looks you in the eye because she has something to say, you listen.
This self-blame has left me with my nose on the door, the right and proper door but unable to walk through due to the fear that if I try to cross the portal again, another person will come that I will allow to commit another such traumatizing act. Her advice was to learn to enter trance states while working on the problem. She also advised a few other things. Some of which I will keep private. The others, like branching off and out of my tradition for various workings, I've already done. This is not to leave the tradition I am in but simply expand myself.
So last night, I began doing tarot readings to determine which spirit I should contact in said trance state. A spirit of Luna was eliminated. A spirit of Mercury was confirmed. This made sense as I have some anger issues as well. Anger is often the result of adversely impacted Mercury. The results can be sarcasm, verbal expressions of anger, destructive logic, etc. I can be guilty of all of those but the latter is my real issue with my 'issue'.
So last night, I am trying to meditate and I hear a very clear voice say, "Taphthartharath". Is a planetary spirit of Mercury. It seemed a good idea to meditate on the name. Now, this is poor CM practices as Taphthartharath is below the planetary angel and intelligence. He is a blind force. Blind forces are dangerous. A good CMer will call the spirits superiors first.
I did it anyway.
So, nothing much a happened but a quieter voice told me I'd need the equivilent spirit of Venus as well.
Today, I was full of energy, spunk and fire. Snappish. Wasp-like. My mind felt like I'd drank twenty cups of coffee and snorted a few lines. My thoughts jumped to and fro in a frenzy. I had so much energy that I speed home at lunch at 80 mph and I simply do not drive like that. I was verbally spouting off about my issue. Pissed at other drivers for no reason and verbalizing that too. Then, out of my mouth fell, "I am Taphthartharath." I understood that this blind force was the root of my obsession, flurries of thought and the like over my issue.
He told me that I can not control him but I can reconcile him. After that, the mind frenzy calmed down a bit and then faded as the day wore on.
I will be working with him and some other spirits. Maybe, just maybe, I have this obsession thing with my issue in my sights. I would so love to leave it behind. It has made the last six years or so of my life seriously less enjoyable. Frankly, much of it has been controlled misery.