I posted about making an offering to a spirit last night. That offering is a stepping stone to my gaining the skill of astral projection. When I first contacted the spirit, I had a dream in which I watched myself create a water eagle, the symbolic the highest aspect of Scorpio.
Last night, two things occurred. I am not sure which happened first.
I had a lucid dream which started in a nice but not overly ritzy house. My grandmother (recently deceased) was there dancing about the room joyfully. My grandfather (many years deceased) was not there. There were other people in the house I did not recognize. At some point, I became lucid. While I was fully my adult self, like a child I said, "Grandma, watch this!" I expected to float up into the air. I didn't. I then vibrated the god name of Yesod and pushed off the ground with a walking stick of a certain color. Soon, I rose straight through the roof and out into the night.
It was a white night. This was significant because lucid dreams I've had have always been within a dark formless background.
I vibrated the archangelic name, Gabriel, hoping to see him. Instead, I rose into pure white...something.
At this point, I should mention that I have a rather large white angel perched over my house at the moment as a form of proteciton. My Gal states that it prevents her from astral projecting out of the house.
I tried to keep rising but the was some sort of barrier. I thought about where to go and I decided since Gabriel appeared out of the question, I'd visit my friend "A". My travel continued and I began to descend in an arc. Looking back it is like I never got out from under the angel and was brushing against its' robes. As I was traveling, I remembered that my friend is a practitioner and decided going directly to her home was a bad idea. So, I decided to land on her front lawn.
I did but the lawn in question was the house the dream started in.
Along the street before the suburban house, I briefly saw two figures walking away from me. One of them could have been a feminish form of the spirit I called. The other, may have been the Golden Dawn angel of the astral light. As soon as I saw them walking, I focused on the called spirit. The other was never seen again.
When he turned, it was more masculine but 'not right'. I called him over and it walked up to me. I asked him if I had him to thank for this experience. His answer was not quite right either but it eventually became 'righter'. Had I more experience on the astral I'd have left or banished immediately. He kept trying to come closer but I held him off with the walking stick that I pushed off with earlier. Eventually, I gave up and let him near. He tortuously changed into a threatening sort of countenance with some nasty teeth and a worse smell. It tried to bite me. I said, "Oh Shit" and vibrated a particular god name which brought me out of it.
In talking with the spirit I made the offering to, I never left the protection of the household angel. The spirit was the 'bad' figure. He was teaching me a lesson to be careful. Duly noted.
I believe later in the night, I woke up very scared for my friend "A". I couldn't sleep for about an hour. In contacting her today, she had received yesterday some poor results from a medical test and is very concerned about them. Even though I never left the angel's protection, I must have opened a channel to her by the mere act of trying to go to her astrally.
I am very pleased with the results so far.
In the comments to yesterday's post, Frater RO asked, "You know what helps me out a lot with forgiveness? When a person is truly sorry, and demonstrates it by changing their pattern of behavior. I can "forgive" someone without an apology, but I don't trust them to the same degree. Or rather, the trust aspect of the relationship is changed by the incident that required "forgiveness."
Are you talking about unconditional forgiveness that doesn't require any kind of repentance (for lack of a better word)?"
The instigator involved has not apologized sincerely. The same actions that so damaged me have been repeated in other circumstances with significant emotional damage to those involved.
The authority figures, as far as I can tell, are unrepentant and can not even bring themselves to acknowledge I ever had any basis for hurt feelings. They haven't even gone so far as to acknowledge that even if I was 100% wrong that they are in any way sympathetic to the emotional trauma. I have not received so much as an "I am sorry you went through that," from any of the principal players.
I'd find it easier to forgive if I thought someone apologized sincerely and stopped behaving in the same manner. Unfortunately, I've given up on that. My task is to have compassion for the fear-based decisions these folks made and continue to make. My task is to acknowledge that all humans do things, at least from time to time, to avoid facing their fears. Further, I need to understand that my perceptions of their motivations are just that. By now, all parties are so far in denial (including myself) that expecting anyone to fully appraise themselves is pointless. I've done the best I can with myself and expressed that to them in various ways. There has been zero return of that effort. They take the apologies I make for my past errors as capitulation and a validation of their actions.
My task is to forgive them their actions unilaterally, extend compassion as far as I am able while remembering enough not to fall into such traps again. I need to forgive without any repentance on their part as most of them feel they did nothing wrong. I can not change that. I can only change myself.
I simply need to open my heart to their humanness. Once I do that, I will be able to open my heart to a wide variety of other humans. That is the point. This is very very hard but I will succeed.