Death

I have been learning a lot about death over the last two years.

I have dreamed many a dream about dead bodies, my own death, other people have dreamed of my death and I've even both killed myself and been killed in dreams. Killed dead. It isn't true that if you die in dreams you die in real life.

There are other death themes that I cannot post here.

Today, My Gal made a decision to give away her beloved jacuzzi rather than having it stay and rot in my place. This is a reflection of death of our relationship and a death for her as she really really loved that jacuzzi. It makes me feel like shit.

So today, my mentor announced the official death of the Bennu-Kheper lodge, which practiced in the style of the Golden Dawn. That lodge was a foundation of my spiritual life. It also kept me trapped dealing with a small subset of people that took great joy in causing some serious pains in my life. They may have regretted it later. I don't know. So being rid of it isn't a bad thing on the whole. It is an end of a chapter. A very significant chapter and it makes me sad to see it go.

I can see magickal obligations for me elsewhere. I've previously mentioned seeing the future and not being willing to rush out and meet it. Something things only fools wish upon themselves. However, we do learn to serve on this path and I owe.

I pay my debts.

The problem is that I'm not ready to pay them. You can't pay a bill if you don't have the cash. This too makes me sad. I've blown a lot of opportunities to grow faster, sooner, with more enthusiasm and more joy. I have little choice now.

Or maybe it is just one more delusion of grandiosity that will have to die too. I've learned not to take my perceptions too seriously no matter how many of them prove true.

I am fully ready to die, figuratively. I'm not that far away from being ready to die literally. However, I am not so ready to experience other people's pain. I've been a selfish asshole for a long time. That it infinitely easier than having a heart and feeling love, compassion and empathy.

I'm also more than a little drunk. So, I suppose I will regret this post tomorrow. That is okay. It may, in an odd way, give people some hope.

Learning the Obvious

When we last worked with HD, It told me that I could find it in anyone I looked at. "Find me in their eyes." So, I've been looking.

I saw someone that I've known all my life and saw the teenager in her. Her face literally morphed into that young person full of life. Then morphed back into the current human that lives in a great deal of mental pain. Compassion.

I then watched a conversation between two people. They were discussing work issues. I realized the person was asking questions in order to make her way through the day but more importantly, she was seeking to understand. Then I realized that almost all (if not all) the conversations we have are an attempt to understand or be understood.

My work is to understand and learn about the ultimate divine. I have always felt alone in this. Robert doing one thing, the world doing another. Suddenly, I realized that even people not doing any work are still trying to understand the Universe. We are all just trying to understand. I then felt foolish. How could I feel alone in this? There are 140 followers of this space on blogger, 250 people subscribe to the feed and it has over a hundred fans on Facebook. Almost all of my friends are into magick, spirituality or religious in some very active form. How the hell did I feel alone in my work? Sometimes the things I am blind to truly astonish me.

The HD also told me that It is the all. Well not really, Its words were more subtle than that but what was not subtle was, "If you reject anyone, you are rejecting a part of me." Anyone really meant anything. So, here is my conundrum. What human being does not reject the child molester, rapist, holocaust engineer etc.? Yes those are extreme examples and meant to be. These are all part of the all. Given that It also told me that all human beings are in their 'right place' all the time, these actions are part of the divine, not human failings. These are things I understood when It was present in ritual that frankly I don't understand now.

Regardless of that internal conflict, being with HD is all about peace. I feel all embroiled in a work situation and normal mundane life and still feel peaceful. Work frustration is handled much better both internally and socially. I feel more connected. That part of me that builds walls and separates from others is crumbling, SLOWLY but it is.

It is 2:30 AM. I'm hitting the post button and going to bed. I am not doing the slightest of proof reading. SO, if this doesn't make sense, please forgive me.

Peace all...

More Helpful Diety

My partner and I invoked the Helpful Diety last night. The time before, we came across a higher aspect because we called It in a different manner. This was intentional. Immediately after that, one of the few that knows for sure which deity it really is, suggested we use a different name. That name applies to Its highest aspect. We gave that a shot.

HD arrived but in a sublime state like we've never experienced. Just as importantly, It did not land in me but in my partner. This was wondrous.

It told me that I seek to understand because to understand is my destiny, I can not avoid it.  It said that humans are so afraid because we are so small and that we are always in exactly the right place. None of that sounds earth shattering in print. However, when you're that close to a deity that big who expresses such silent love everything has greater meaning. There are meanings that cannot be expressed in print. They need to be felt to be understood and to feel one must be complete present in the moment. This was truly a rock your world spiritual experience.

One of the amazing things for me was how the most sincere spiritual question sounded so unbelievably selfish, self-centered and self-absorbed.  This too was wonderful to experience.

Note on Comments

I haven't felt like blogging lately. I haven't read them. So, I didn't approve any comments. Your comments only go through when I approve them. I only do that because if I don't, I miss those who comment on long ago posts.

Peace.

Revisiting Issues

There was a time I railed against Trad Wicca. I fought against that religion for issues of fact. There I endured injustice, bigotry, maltreatment and a host of other things. These are facts. Over time, with the aid of the Helpful Deity, that has faded. I am no fan of Trad Wicca. However, the anger and the need to express it have faded.

However, passing a test and healing are not the same thing.

Now, I am railing against the Abrahamic religions. All of them. Here I have their own words and facts of history. Few but their most ardent adherents can disagree. Instead they try to soften those facts with other facts and their benevolent perceptions.

The point here is that it is the same test. Robert versus religion. So far, I have not passed. However, at least I have recognized the test. Maybe that is something. So the question is here, what do I have against religion as a whole?

Peace

Follow Up to the Helpful Deity Post

I was very uncomfortable last night after the rite. I have also find myself reluctant to post. However, I view this as a magickal diary of sorts and try to maintain the discipline of writing things down. Lately, this has been an effort, which is why you are finding a great increase in typos and the like. Please forgive me. This does not mean that I'm not in great spirits and doing well. I'm just having a harder time posting. As far as reading blogs? I am doing so sporadically.


Last Night with the Helpful Deity

This deity has certain categories of aspects. The invocational chant was rewritten to cover each broad category. It wasn't as well researched as I wanted but I've never let that stop me with this deity. We received a very 'high' aspect. I had a very difficult time invoking It. Its was all around but not within. My partner did a good job of getting It to land in me. Her work impressed me last night.

This high aspect did not mention that item I have previously posted concern about.

When the Deity finally entered me It came showing me two of Its creatures up close and personal. Were they physical animals, I'd be dead. Gone. Buried. Well, except that they were completely docile. Both of them were so close our noses almost touched. It was impressive.

HD answered our questions and now I think it is safe to publish some of Its repeated themes culled after meeting all of Its aspects.

• It has no interest in being worshiped. We've asked numerous times how to do so and it simply doesn't care. It usually responds by telling us not too.
• We've asked about various techniques both GD based and traditional to Its lore for making our contact stronger. We've made offerings. We've made our own incense. I've bought bowls dedicated to It. We've left out fruit as an offering. It simply does not care. It ignores them all and tells us all the bobbles and trappings do not matter. We can make the contact stronger, simply be continuing to call It.
• It calls me priest or wounded priest, usually the former and my partner as soon to be priestess or words to that effect.
• It has a very harsh intimidating side that we've only seen flashes of. Ninety-nine percent of the time, It comes across as a very loving friend/parent figure. 
• It wants to be invoked and often. 
• It answers all of our questions in some form or fashion only rarely refusing or giving us something vague.
• The images that I am shown are always spot on to Its lore whether I know that at the time or not.
• Its speaks of no one but us and another member of the group that has yet to arrive. Note: this I feel is a very good sign. As soon as a spirit starts speaking of others, I think it is really my ego. That hasn't happened to me for quite some time. 
• It consistently but not instantly tries to get me to take an action in my personal life. I have not complied. I am beginning to think this is a test.  Though, as mentioned, the topic was not mentioned last night.
• We believe there are people out there that think they sent HD to me. HD has a different viewpoint on that. 
• It has brought other deities into contact with us.

Last night, on direct questioning, It revealed the name of two of them. It would not tell us on Its own. We had to ask.

The first was a no brainer. I have felt this deity all over me for a while. I think it started just after the Leo spirit we invoked in late July. It may have started prior to that. I pray to it and it answers immediately with action in the mundane world. I didn't know this was happening to my partner too. Same deity. Though, with less directed prayer and therefore less help with mundane matters.

The second was only an intuitive guess on my part having read some of Its lore. I came across a name and wondered, could this be? It turned out the answer was yes but we'd only have contact with that one after "more work."

It never mentioned Hadit which was plain as day obvious to my partner. She described it as a full waking vision of a white sphere with maybe gray/silver swirls. The wings were very realistic, as if plucked straight from a living bird and attached to the sphere. My partner didn't know this imagery. I reminded her of the Egyptian winged solar disk and she said no. It wasn't Egyptian and at all. I am confident she saw some measure of the Chaldean Hadit. I think this is why I was so out of sorts after the rite. Having a god of that magnitude emerge from your chest can do that to a person.

We also asked it about a rite for Samhain. Its suggestion was appropriate, moving, inspiring and humbling.

Invocation of the Helpful Deity

Tonight, we took Its advise and called upon a variety of Its aspects at once. It gave us that advice when we asked how we could work with It but not feel so out of sorts afterwords. It didn't work.

It came from all around us but it my partner had to push and prod It to get it into me. Before she succeeded, she witnessed a white sphere with wings within my chest. This brought to mind Hadit of Thelema. However, she said it didn't remind her at all over the solar disk of Egyptian art. It was too realistic. It was as if someone ripped a real bird's wings off and stuck them on a white sphere. This reminds me of Had of the Chaldean Oracles.

Eventually, the HD arrived and answered our questions. It brought great joy to my partner. It blessed the land we were on and my house and home. It said it did so through my feet. A half hour or more after the ritual, my feet feel tingly like they had fallen asleep and the blood was beginning to flow again.

I am very out of sorts physically uncomfortable. I feel as if I may have undergone some sort of initiation. Maybe not. It is hard to say. It was definitely an odd night.