Cross of Obligation

I found myself in Bakersfield again this weekend. The Druid asked me to provide the divination for the Samhain rite he and his bride performed. I did the divination. One person said my words were 'inspirational'. Another asked if I could possibly be any more creepy. What can I say? It was Samhain. So, I used words like death, sacrifice and murderer. Some people just can't feel the love.

While I hope I provided some benefit to the community, it turned out I was not there for the public rite. I was in town to perform one tarot reading for a priestess to be.

My time in Bako, as I call it, revolves around a lot of friends. I care for these people. However, my calling to the place is not of my doing. It is giving back. It is the beginning of my suffering on the cross of obligation. The suffering at this point is really the expense, the driving, the train rides. I enjoy what I am offering to the community. I enjoy serving in this manner. It won't always be this way. Heavier responsibilities are in the wind. Maybe those will entail more intense pains. I don't know. I won't run from those responsibilities but I'm not running towards them either.

The time to bear the cross is nigh. It is my hope to do so in joy and love. I am not deluded into thinking that will always be within my ability. We serve only to the point we are able.

I was nice to be thanked today for what I am offering to the community. The thank you did not come from a place of criticism of the locals. It was gratitude for what I add to the mix.

The term suffering on the cross of obligation my seem like it is all giving and no receiving. That may be true but not so far.

First and Second

I haven't been posting much for two reasons. One is that my back took a very bad turn. It hasn't been this bad for this long in quite some time. I am on the mend now. The other reason is that everything sounds trite. I have nothing much to say.

I had one thought that I wrote five paragraphs on and then trashed. It involved this.

Some people get irritated when folks read "do what thy wilt is the whole of the law" and stop there without ever trying to incorporate "love is the law. Love under Will." They read the first and fail to read or try to understand the rest of the lesson. Same is true for this one.

"It is all in your head. You just don't realize how big your head is."

Edit: After posting I realized I have posted a lot. They are just getting shorter and shorter.

A Crack in the Sky

Something is happening within my very thoughts or when I'm exposed to any images of magick. I'm watching The Missing now. There is a scene of Native American magick and counter magick that was very well done, to my inexpert eye.

The something is a feeling, a sight, a sense of place. The  place is in between. It is quiet. Powerful. The place is where one prays and those prayers live. It is a place where words of power flow free and strike like sledgehammers or softly beat like butterfly's wings. The very idea of the place makes me drunk with magick. There is an undercurrent of danger here.

I like this place. I like being here but it isn't a matter of like. It is a matter of is, what was, and what will be.

Another Form of Dead Psychic

Recently, I posted about the "unreadable one." I mentioned that I knew from the moment I saw her that I should take a pass but I didn't. This is akin to my Dead Psychic ability. Those really long time readers may remember me saying that I have had bouts of psychic awareness. I'd 'know' the phone was going to ring and who was calling a split second before it rang. If I had equivalent warning of someone about to shoot me in the back of the head, I'd be dead. Hence, my labeling the phenomenon as Dead Psychic Events (DPEs).

This is similar to that. I know to duck, weave, bob, and get out of the way but I don't trust guy fast enough to act on it. I have a new friend that keeps telling me to trust my gut and act on those instincts.This person may be a pointing me in the right direction.

Memories

Over the last several months, I've begun remembering incidents from my childhood. There has been nothing negative, with one exception. That exception is an odd little story that would most likely bore you without cause. I'm not fully sure what this means. It could have something to do with Chesed as that is the realm of memory. Though, I've always seen that as a different sort of memory. Of course, these things happen on various levels. I thought this interesting enough to note but I'm not sure what significance this may have.

Joy of Joys

My Introductory Qabalistic Tarot class was a great success today. This was the third iteration of the same intro class. I did several to get enough people to a monthly gig. The first two went well. This third one was a home run. There was a great connection with the people there. They were so excited to be exposed to new ideas. That made it so much fun. I had a great time.

There are some students that listen with respect and they are respected. There are some that wrestle things out of your words that you never thought of. They are admired. There are those that do not hear your words. They seek out other things. There are those that are so excited to learn and and explore. They are a joy.

Some Healing

My back problems have been horrific the last few weeks. My friend the Druid did a little laying of hands on my back this morning. This was not a massage but just a magickal act. I could feel the muscles relaxing under his touch. More importantly, something else happened. Long time readers will remember when the Helpful Deity first helped me with my obsession. HD showed me how to remove this astral goo that encapsulated the obsession. I will be the first to admit it isn't all the way gone. The feelings are not as frequent. I can let go faster but they are still a weekly challenge. This is a huge improvement over an hourly challenge.

So what does that have to do with my back?

Earlier this weekend, I was hurting bad. I did the Friday night class and stood up to realize the pain was gone. After that realization, it slowly came back. This let me to the idea that I have to forget I am in pain. So, using the sigil of Jupiter I asked that I forget my pain. No ritual was involved.

When the Druid was working on me today, I suddenly 'saw' all this astral goo get ejected from my head onto the floor as my muscles relaxed. I shoved it outside to let the earth absorb it. I wasn't going to leave a puddle of goo in his spare bedroom. That would have been rude. (snicker)

Did this help? Not one damn bit. I was in so much pain during the drive home that my leg was getting numb. However, this may be the start of a longer term healing project.I may have a body full of such goo. Time to explore!

Disappointment

Something disappointing happened this weekend. It did make me feel sad. However, I was amongst such loving friends that all turned out quite well. I am so very grateful to my Bakersfield peeps. It is good to be loved.

Silly Mortals - We Are All Nuts

A comment on another blog made me think of this.

During a ritual with my former coven, I had to restrain myself from cracking up. I was struck with the absurdity of the things we were doing to get in contact with the gods. This should not be taken as an insult to anyone's tradition or magickal practices. We do this ritual or that. We pick candle colors. We 'vibrate'. We drum. We whatever. Step back and look it at sometime. Look at the actions and then the goal. It is funny.

I have had the same feeling overcome me in GD rituals in full god form. Silly mortals. You are so young. Children, you are playing insignificant games. You think you're playing with dangerous matches but in reality...

Yes, someday I will post about how every detail is totally important. It is and will be. That doesn't make it less silly. That doesn't make it less funny.

Simple Confidence

I've worked hard on this magick stuff for many years. With the possible exception of flipping the tarot cards, I am not a natural talent, unless one calls persistence a talent.

The first steps of Golden Dawn style training interweave two concepts. One of them, is a particular view of the continual unfolding of creation as represented by the Tree of Life. I think of this as a spiritual fractal. The other is a slow self-purification. I've learned enough of the Tree to be proficient. I've done enough of the purification to be satisfied, at the moment.

During my Golden Dawn career, I constantly wondered, "Am I doing this right?" I would also question my perceptions constantly and beat myself up over my personal flaws. I kept wanting to turn up the heat to burn them away. And now, I'm perfect.

Kidding, of course.

Those thoughts do not plague me anymore. Mostly, I'm pleased with myself. I am not perfect but who is? I am confident when I go into ritual. I'm not perfect there either but my magick is very effective. My card reading is very accurate when I am one-on-one with the querent. I listen more and talk less. Those are good things.

Something else has happened. Something more subtle. I can get to the other worlds quite quickly. I can target a location and be there. Frankly, that is cool. I've always wanted to be able to do that. That isn't it though.

I am a direct guy. I say what I think whether it is popular or not. I will argue with you and hold an opinion until you prove me wrong and sometimes I will keep going. My magick is just as direct, just as pointed. At least it always has been. Now, it is subtle in comparison. I'm explaining this poorly. I don't have the correct words to communicate this. It has gone from pushing energy to holding a conversation through a tarot card. It has moved from hard ritual to sitting and doing what? active meditation? active contemplation? By this I mean I'm as focused as a meditation but not completely passive. I am passive most of the time, a witness. Yet, I move things occasionally to make them work.

Regardless, it is different, softer, more 'in tune'. It is working with not at some goal. I know what I do worked and was real on the same level I know that I just took a sip of soda. My magick may be changing from fiery to watery or maybe I'm just learning the watery bits.

Whatever this stage of the work is, and those are almost always better explained in retrospect, I like it.