Thapthartharath

He made his presence known today again. I damn well better figure this one out. There could be negative societal and job related consequences if I don't.

Some Results...

In my Live From Pantheacon post, I mentioned I received a Hebrew Lot reading from Elisheva Nesher. The context of the reading was "How can I get past being stuck in my chosen path?" I don't normally discuss my Golden Dawn life here at all. Truth be told I've been stuck in the same initiatory grade for four years. Given the potential fall out of that sort of longevity in this grade, I have held it together quite well.

The first thing she said was that I've been traumatized in a religious setting by someone I'd call 'sister'. She doesn't know me and that pegged some things so clearly there she had my complete attention. She said this person "sinned against me" and then she used some adjective like grievously.  She went on to say that I blame myself. She emphasized quite clearly that this situation was not caused by my actions and I am not responsible for the actions of others.

Elisheva is a former Israeli commando. She is a grandmother that would be happy to bake you cookies and show you great love and kindness. She is also one tough matriarch. When Elisheva looks you in the eye because she has something to say, you listen.

This self-blame has left me with my nose on the door, the right and proper door but unable to walk through due to the fear that if I try to cross the portal again, another person will come that I will allow to commit another such traumatizing act. Her advice was to learn to enter trance states while working on the problem. She also advised a few other things. Some of which I will keep private. The others, like branching off and out of my tradition for various workings, I've already done. This is not to leave the tradition I am in but simply expand myself.

So last night, I began doing tarot readings to determine which spirit I should contact in said trance state. A spirit of Luna was eliminated. A spirit of Mercury was confirmed. This made sense as I have some anger issues as well. Anger is often the result of adversely impacted Mercury. The results can be sarcasm, verbal expressions of anger, destructive logic, etc. I can be guilty of all of those but the latter is my real issue with my 'issue'.

So last night, I am trying to meditate and I hear a very clear voice say, "Taphthartharath". Is a planetary spirit of Mercury. It seemed a good idea to meditate on the name. Now, this is poor CM practices as Taphthartharath is below the planetary angel and intelligence. He is a blind force. Blind forces are dangerous. A good CMer will call the spirits superiors first.

I did it anyway.

So, nothing much a happened but a quieter voice told me I'd need the equivilent spirit of Venus as well.

Today, I was full of energy, spunk and fire. Snappish. Wasp-like. My mind felt like I'd drank twenty cups of coffee and snorted a few lines. My thoughts jumped to and fro in a frenzy. I had so much energy that I speed home at lunch at 80 mph and I simply do not drive like that. I was verbally spouting off about my issue. Pissed at other drivers for no reason and verbalizing that too. Then, out of my mouth fell, "I am Taphthartharath." I understood that this blind force was the root of my obsession, flurries of thought and the like over my issue.

He told me that I can not control him but I can reconcile him. After that, the mind frenzy calmed down a bit and then faded as the day wore on.

I will be working with him and some other spirits. Maybe, just maybe, I have this obsession thing with my issue in my sights. I would so love to leave it behind. It has made the last six years or so of my life seriously less enjoyable. Frankly, much of it has been controlled misery.

Pantheacon Presentation: The Reviews are In

Frankly, the 9:00 AM Monday start time was not too fun. Given 80 peopled showed up the 11:00 AM Monday talk last year, I was disappointed by the 30 to 40 this year.

That aside, I did have several people from last year's class go out of their way during the weekend to let me know how much the enjoyed it. That validation made me feel pretty good.

The class went very very well. The jokes, which I considered pretty poor, were received with polite laughter and a few genuine outbursts and chuckles. This was more than I expected. The presentation simply didn't lend itself to humor.

It was a great deal of fun to see the lights of realization to turn on at various point during the presentation but the real fun came when it was over. It is no exaggeration that 90% of the attendees asked for my card so they could stay in touch or be sent  more information. As if that wasn't satisfying enough, these were the comments:

One man told me that my presentation made the expense and effort of attending the Con worth it all by itself.

Two people asked me if I had a dvd of the presentation they could buy so they could watch it at their leisure. They wanted to digest all the material.

Another told me that all the information he'd been reading had been disjointed and I'd just handed him a map that made everything make sense. He want on to say that I've given him many many hours of material to meditate on.

Giving someone a map to use made every effort associated with learning the material and organizing it into a presentation worth it! This is what Lon DuQuette's writing and tutelage have done for me. Giving that gift to someone else is an incredible high.

I am now more excited than ever to get back to the work on the book.

Live From Pantheacon

I spent an hour in the tarot reading tables on Friday and didn't get a paying nibble. Though three hours of mostly sitting there today yielded three reads for a tidy sum that helped defer the cost of the event. I learned some tricks for next year, assuming they invite me back.

Most importantly, I NAILED the readings and deeply feel I helped a couple of people significantly. Isn't that what it is all about? Serving others is really cool when you really know you've been an aid to someone. My last read ended the reading by asking me if I was writing a book. It felt nice that someone thought enough of what I did for her to leap to the conclusion that I had something to say.

I also received a reading from Elisheva Nesher. She is a Hebrew lot reader 'of the people'. She is damn good and nailed my issues to the wall. I was really impressed! More importantly she indicated a way out that I have already begun to do. She also added some things that, while they make sense, never occurred to me to do.

I am always a bit taken aback when I deal with diviners over my 'issue'. She displayed the classic signs. When she first found the issue, the emotions that flashed across her face were pain, anger and sadness. When she saw the resolution, there was an air of deep respect. I never ask about these things but I do notice them. I may blog more about that reading after  I return. I must admit I've had more than a bit too many to make a competent decision on the matter at the moment.

My presentation is on Monday. Hopefully, this will go well.

I also spent some time in the Thelema hospitality suite listening to a fellow talk on the qlippoth. Simply awesome stuff. I hope he keeps in contact. The man has done the work and has something to say.

Unsolicited Invitation

Yesterday, I received an unsolicited invitation to be one of the official Pantheacon tarot readers for this year's event. I will be sharing tables with the likes of Lon Milo DuQuette, Thalassa, Mary Greer and notable others.

If you're a reader of this blog and are going to Pantheacon drop by the sign up for a reading. I will be listed on the register as Robert Hxxxxx

Mentor, Jason and Metatron

Today, I finally got back on the job of expanding the tarot class for Pantheacon. I had a very difficult time getting started. I put it off for weeks. Finally I could wait no longer and yet still, no effort.

I went to my Jason inspired altar/prayer room/library, and asked Metatron for some help Monday night. He immediately told me not to work on it that night. Instead, I was to come home after work today, eat and then after a short bit of doing nothing, enter the altar room. I was to light the "God" candles at the top and foot of the altar as well as, the candles for tipereth and netzach. He instructed me to meditate on the Netzach candle and pore breath the fire.

All this I did. I also listened to the instruction to keep the Netzach candle burning as I worked. My writing was inspired, easy and, if I must say so myself, damn good. This act of willed creativity was the result of my mentor's teaching and patience with me without which I'd never have been able to reach Metatron, Metatron himself and Jason's ideas that inspired the altar.

Note: I also realized that I often am thankful to my mentor for putting up with me. I just realized that I've done a pretty good job of putting up with him too! I often fail to give myself credit where it is due. So this time, I thought I'd acknowledge it as part of being more balanced.

Pantheacon Speaking Date

The Final Pantheacon schedule is out. I will be speaking on the tarot pips at 9:00 AM on Monday. Pantheacon is being held at the Double Tree Hotel in San Jose. For more information, please follow this link.