The Lesson of the Coven

Many years ago, I was rejected by an Alexadrian coven. My spiritual mentor, a non-coven member, played a very strong role in the situation. The series of events that lead that to that final rejection left me in a state of obsession chronicled ad nuaseam in this space. 

The obsession lasted ten years. During that time, I focused on the events and the actions/motivations of others, as well as myself. This led me nowhere. This situation was made worse by what I call the "Secret Game". This is played by telling me you have a secret about me (in this case about what happened during those times that caused my rejection etc.) and then refusing to tell me the secret. That game still bothers my psyche so much that my good friends know that game is off limits. If any of them play that game with me, the relationship is over. There is no compromise. 

Over time, I rejected everyone that was involved in that incident. By everyone, I mean everyone that was even close to it, that participated on any level or took an opposing side of the conflict.  By rejecting everyone one and everything, I began to reclaim a bit of my personal sovereignty. 

Today, through an unrelated meditation, I think I learned the lesson of those times. When you reject anyone, you reject a part of yourself. Each person that played role in those times, was a reflection of some part of myself. I had considered this before but got hung up on the specifics of their actions, which I feel I would have never engaged in. That was a mistake. Each one of the persons was, generally speaking, engaging in very analogous actions that mirrored my own life choices. 

I will not outline them all here, as many of those choices I would no longer make. I will reveal that one of them is one that mentor played, the Secret Game. I had asked him very direct questions that went something like this. "You were at the meeting. What charges brought against me?” He refused to answer. Frankly, he held on to that secret for much longer than was healthy for either of us. It was the length of his secret keeping that I focused on. That was the mistake.

His actions did reflect part of my personality. Though, I did not even know I had it at the time. I present the mystery to others. I believe I do so in a healthy way but I do present the mystery. He had presented or embodied a mystery. That is the only part that matters. He embodied a mystery of mine; I embody a mystery for others.

In tonight's meditation, I had to "own" this part of my personality. I also had to own the more negative aspects reflected by others as well. By rejecting them, I had rejected parts of myself. My fully accepting these parts, all of them, I have healed some other part of myself that I did not know was hurting. Perhaps the better word is “missing”. I was missing something. I was less than whole.

This is the type of lesson that usually spurs a spiritual growth spurt or a new mystery. I look forward to either. 

There is a lesson-part that is beginning to take hold already. I will work on the following: When I see someone engaging in behavior that bothers me or that I reject, I will examine how that is analogous to my own behavior. It does not have to be the same to be the same. I will then accept that part of myself. This will prevent me from rejecting others.

Still to ponder: How can I do this and still reject people that are toxic to myself? Is mere recognition of the analogy enough?