When my Pagan/magickal life was new, I ran into a few disasters. Some more experienced people would tell me that trusting the gods is an odd thing, as They do not always have the same desires we do.
During that time, I felt completely used and tossed away by the gods of the tradition I was working within. I did what I ‘heard’ they wanted me to do, which was to bring one person into the coven just by being me. Once that was accomplished, I was ejected with malice*.
Fast forward fifteen years…
Over the past year, the gods and my soul have given me the same direction. That direction involved radical life changes. Life changes that were so over the top that I had a hard time accepting them as even possible. As time went on, they opened door after door that allowed me to see the possibility of these changes actually occurring. I then started taking action on each item they presented.
Note: As long time readers of this blog know, I am not much for personal privacy. I have spilled the beans on myself a great deal. This is cryptic because it involves others.
The, what I can only consider radical steps, occurred one after the other until I was ready for the last leap. In fact, I was literally five days away from making that last unrevocable step. At that moment, my family received devastating news. Aside from the shock, I felt betrayed. I uttered phrases like, “This is the second time that I have totally trusted a witchy goddess and the second time she said, ‘Ahhh, thanks for trusting me. That was so cute. Now F… Y..’”
Instead of losing my shit like I did the last time, I told both the Goddess and my spirit that they have to explain this to me. The response I received was a bit of the ‘Secret Game’ mentioned in a recent post, “You will see in time.” Really? FU right back. I would ask again and again and again and, once I was calmer and totally accepting of the situation (about a week) They explained.
“You are now in the perfect place to deal with this. There is a lot of help now that would not have been there had you not listened.” This is true. What is also true is that it is somewhat likely that, after this period passes, that last final radical step may still happen. Even if it does not, the first steps have opened up other doors for us** and exposed me to a very different life experience. This is something I value, even though the transition is difficult.
So, going back fifteen years, I remember going to my last circle with that coven. He “hps” was being drawn down on and I heard in my head the voice of the Goddess, “You have always been accepted [by Her] in this place but the rest has to come through her [the hps].” At that precise moment, that hps said, “She [the Goddess] is not here. I am not getting anything.” I knew then I was done in that group. Now, I wonder, if I had a bit more patience and trusted the goddess to handle the hps who was unwilling to hear or incapable of hearing, how life would have changed. I will never know.
I do know that I would not have lasted in the group long. There were too many untenable dynamics. Things may have ended without that obsession.
The point is that this time, I did listen; I did follow through; I gave myself time to hear, as Paul Harvey would say, the rest of the story. Things are working out very differently.
This is what doing the Great Work is about. Being in the same situation and reacting from a place of greater spirit than one did before. It is a willingness to engage that spirit over and over again until such things are possible.
I have no faith in the gods. Faith is weak and indefensible. I have experience with the gods. I know they exist and I know they have a very direct impact on my life. I have also learned to trust them they same way I learned to trust people. I experience with them. I watch them. I observe actions and results. Eventually, trust is born both of one’s own due diligence and the other party respecting the trust given.
*On the part of the humans involved
** I became a married man last month.