I Am Afraid

I am not ashamed to admit that I am afraid.

Sometime in the near future, I am going to undergo a second awakening. I have no idea what that entails. I have some idea of how I will manifest, if I am successful in guiding myself through the process.

I am afraid of the sheer aloneness of the process. I am afraid my hard-won knowledge is false. I am afraid of nasty things inhabiting a nasty world and all my perceptions are part of one great cosmic joke. I am afraid of failing.

I am afraid like knowing your parents are about to bust you, afraid like that moment you are under arrest, afraid like going before the judge, afraid of the sentence, afraid of the bars as they clang shut behind you and reverberate through your soul, afraid of the lethal injection, hang man’s noose, electric chair. I am afraid like I just found out I was about to be homeless. I am afraid like I am going to embark on some Dresden Files epic battle armed only with David Copperfield magic wand set from Hasbro.  I am afraid like I am afraid of all these things at once.

That part of me that knows the Perfection of all things is still here. I know this is a truth in my universe. Yee, full knowledge of that will not stop that moment of fear as I fall of the ladder. I am willing to make a sacrifice for the chance of bringing something back.  

I am not walking away. Right now, fear is my companion. I do not like being afraid.