In previous posts I have made references to work that I am currently
doing to balance out a rookie mistake from my early days in Qabala. Basically,
due to fear of being attacked by the unknown, I called upon the forces of
Geburah (the sphere of Severity on the Tree of Life) way too often. This caused
long-term problems.
The only way I can describe the results is explosive
reaction disorder. If people addressed me reasonably they normally (but not
always) received a reasonable answer. As soon as they fell into obvious denial,
revisionist history, or similar gas lighting they got it with both barrels. If
I was frustrated by any given event, even a conversation, people got both
barrels. If someone did something to others that angered me, they got it with
both barrels! It was easy to set me up to look bad because there was always
anger present under the surface. If you
screwed me over, insulted me, betrayed me, etc. you were doomed. Oddly, I was
very difficult internally as well. I was just as hard on myself as others. I
was brutal to myself. I did not put up with my faults and worked my ass off to
heal them even when no one else could tell. When I saw problematic things I
sincerely apologized for them.
From time to time I would dream of a nuclear explosion.
These moments showed me my anger had cost a relationship. I understood these
moments. I knew why people were pissed or, even when I thought they were wrong
to be angry, I got it. What really got to me and what I never understood was
long-term denial. To this day I still have little respect for denial and
revisionist histories. Denial is the cushion of stagnation. It makes being the
same as you’ve always been comfortable.
There has been a slow and study improvement of these
behaviors. I am much slower to fall into making frustrated outbursts. The
biggest leap can when I experienced the Perfection but there were many
incremental improvements over the years.
Over the past couple of weeks I have been invoking the
powers of Chesed, the sphere of Mercy. While I will not reveal my techniques, I
will say that I called upon the powers and prayed to them to balance the forces
of Geburah in my life. I never asked for the severity to go away because there
are times when a fierce response is appropriate. I have no desire to surrender
that ability. This work had produced interesting results.
First and foremost I have people at work going out of their
way to compliment me and show me how my work is contributing to the
organization. For years it bothered me greatly that I was apparently doing
things that had no impact. Being told I am making a positive contribution at
work is quite refreshing. I have also had people tell me that other people are
saying nice things behind my back. This too is pleasant.
Strangers have gone out of there way to be nice to me in
public. When I was hurting due to my back two strangers asked if they could
help me to my car. Another gave up her seat
for me as I was waiting in a government office. While sitting there I struck up
a conversation with the people next to me. That behavior is a bit unusual for
me. They asked me what I did. When I told them they thanked me because their
adult son is a mental health patient. My job makes their job as his parents
much easier.
Secondly, random memories have been resurfacing. I recalled telling my father I was taking a
computer class during my college days. He asked me if they taught about Grace Hopper.
She was a great computer genius that created the language COBOL and debugged
the first computer...literally. I remember the face of a woman I worked with
many years ago. I cannot recall her name or anything about her other than we
worked at the same place. I suddenly remembered a violent scene in a television
show that made me quite sick to my stomach to recall. None of these memories
are connected or appear to have any significance. I am a bit baffled as to why they are coming
up. If they were focused on my own bad behavior, or related actions others that
would make sense but these appear to be random.
My only conclusion is that Chesed is related to the sphere
of the mind (Hod) on the Tree of Life and there may be some cross stimulation.
The other idea is that Chesed in just below Binah, the sphere that connects us
to all things. It can be described as a mother’s intuition on a huge scale.
Perhaps such things are stimulated by proximate contact. I have no idea.
Lastly, people I know are having conversations with me. They
are going out of their way to engage with me, where they did not before. I am
guessing that all that defensive work I did with Geburah built a wall that made
me unapproachable to some. The Chesed work appears to be removing that wall or
at least showing me it can come down.
At this point, I am
simply reporting what I am experiencing as I have started to invoke the powers
of Chesed. I have not reached firm conclusions as of yet. This will be continued
in a future post.
