How It Turned Out

Assuming there is anyone left to look at this old dead blog, I thought I would share something of a struggle, now resolved.

You may recall that I was quite angry, unable to restrain an immediate thought of dissent and was more than direct. All these things I fought and failed to defeat, until now.

It has taken some time of filtering back through my memories to find each time I got worse.

At 16, having spent most of my youth either being picked on, fought, or feeling like one of those would happen at any moment, I realized that the one day I was angry, no one bothered me. I learned to fake it. Then, it became a minor habit.

In 1994, I started working for the County. Soon after, it jumped another level. All the way until I retired, my spirit kept telling me that I was in the wrong place. As always, spirit was correct. There are situations and people that can make it worse.

Around 2000, I joined a group that was bad for me.

After some time, I purged most of the last one’s damage, but I still had strong symptoms of the problem. Sometimes severe. By severe, I mean out of control but non-violent anger. I began to see the triggers and slowly succeeded in tamping down the behavior in certain situations. This was a sheer act of will. Now that I know the cause, I am quite proud of making any progress at all.

Before, I get to the cause, I did try mental health counseling. I went because I was so angry/frustrated at work. I saw four, count them, four, mental health professionals. All of them listened to my story and immediately told me to quit my job at the mental health department. That place was so backward and toxic that it would drive anyone nuts. Two of them had previously worked there. Two of them had not. I had thought the place toxic and they just confirmed what I knew. Much later I learned that many of my perceptions were more than correct, my reactions were not. Even when my reactions were perfectly acceptable, no progress can be made within dysfunctional dynamics.

By the time I figured it out, I had two main symptoms anger and forgetfulness. I could set my keys down and within a few seconds have no idea where they were. It should be noted that all anger was really frustration but that does not matter overmuch, except where it does.

One day, I was speaking with my daughter-in-law and mentioned that in a month I wrote 15,000 words of a book. Then, I had nasal surgery. I was unable to do much for a week. After that, I could not get back to it. That book is on the scrap heap of so many others. She said, “That is a symptom of ADHD.” She said that once the dopamine of the drive to accomplish is interrupted, it cannot come back. I made a mental note.

Over the course of a couple of months, she pointed out more and more symptoms. I took an on-line test and checked off 90% of the boxes. I gave a blank form to my wife. She checked off the same boxes. All of them. The only differences were that I had some marked as more severe than she and she had some more severe than myself.

I called my doctor. I was instantly cured with this first dose of medication.

The only frustration/anger I feel is when I get so busy that I fail to take the medication, which is not often. The difference is marked. It made me realize that my brain was so active that I was in a constant state of being overwhelmed. I can only describe it as being awash with so much electrical brain activity that it literally feels like my brain is on fire, minus the heat. Looking at it objectively is fascinating.

I could have magicked and meditated away on that forever and not succeeded.

Has my attitude or perspective changed? Not really. Unless I have had some sort of experience or input than not at all. I am still rather controversial at times in my ideas. Yet, they are expressed without any anger at all.

At any rate, no more frustration/anger. I am no longer forgetful. The downside is that I am not quite as driven as I used to be. Though, that may be due to age. I do not know.

So, my advice is that if you have an issue that your spiritual work is not helping, seek other methods.