Tonight, I am drunk blogging or at least tipsy blogging. You have been warned.
I figured out all the bullshit surrounding the very bad thing and the aftermath. I should be overjoyed. Yet, I cannot resist the behaviors that go with that pain. Even understanding and solutions brings pain. At the moment, I am feeling like a failure, hopeless and damaged beyond repair. I am not any of these things.
I am tired of trying to grow as a spiritual person. I am tired of my internal battles. I am tired of old 'friends' that refuse to make an effort. I am tired of how that impacts my friends that are willing to make that effort.
None of these things should have the emotional impact they are having tonight. I am up against a wall. The wall is an illusion.
This is a test of Saturn. Tonight, I am an utter mess. Even I am an illusion. Every thought, every idea, every belief is vapor, meaningless and void. I cannot help but to think, feel and experience this. If this is the best they can come up with, it is pathetic. I have been through hell. This is merely a desert.
I will pass but this sucks.