Sunday, February 28, 2010


I have found a way to open my mind to intuition using resources that I've had for quite a while. I used that today to gain an impression of a situation that didn't materialize. However, it leaped forth into action during a conversation a couple of times. On the drive home it came forth again on a variety of topics.

I also made some connections about my 'issue' or perhaps realized the lack of connections. Regardless, progress has been made there. I will see if it holds.


I spent some quality time with some pagans in Bakersfield, CA. These are hard working folks in life. They are sincere in the practices and learning their crafts. They are also remarkably sane. I enjoy the time I spend down there.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Of Kings

They say that lifes a carousel
Spinning fast, you've got to ride it well
The world is full of kings and queens
Who blind your eyes and steal your dreams
Its heaven and hell, oh well
And they'll tell you black is really white
The moon is just the sun at night
And when you walk in golden halls
You get to keep the gold that falls
Its heaven and hell, oh no!
Fool, fool!
You've got to bleed for the dancer!
Fool, fool!
Look for the answer!
Fool, fool, fool!

-- Black Sabbath, Heaven and Hell

I have always wondered what the dancer is in this song but that is beside the point. Of late, I've been dreaming of kings. Kings. Kings. I've been dreaming of kings while on another planet.. In each dream, there are those trying to prevent audience with the sovereign. In each, there are those that "know" what is really occurring. These appear to be helping me out but with hidden motive I can not discern.

The last spirit I contacted was of Chokmah, the second sephiro. When you combine tarot and the tree of life, you place the kings in Chokmah. Well, most do, I have another pattern. Call me a radical, if you like but I use the old pattern too.

The name of the choir of angels for Tipereth, realm of the adept, translated to kings.

Last night, I made it all the way to audience before this morning's alarm woke me up. After being told by a minister that this was a poor time to approach the king as he'd just 'became' commander-in-chief of an army at war, I walked in the chambers with a female companion but as I walked in I was already with him, behind him. I watched him as he began to sign something. Whatever it was looked interesting in retrospect. He stopped before signing as I entered with a female companion. The two figures were unsure of how to behave in the comfortable, almost informal surroundings: Stand? Kneel? Sit?

The king watched this confusion in silence and then the alarm went off.

I am not sure why I dream of kings but this did occur last night. I am preparing to speak to anthropology classes at Fresno State in a couple of weeks. My presentation will begin with the Oath of the Abyss:

I. I a member of the body of God, herby bind myself on behalf the Whole
Universe, even as we are now physically bound unto the cross of suffering:
II. that I will lead a pure life, as a devoted servant of the order
III. that I will understand all things
IV. that I will love all things
V. that I will perform all things and endure all things
VI. that I will continue in the knowledge and conversation with my Holy
Guardian Angel
VII. that I will work without attachment
VIII. that I will work in truth
IX. that I will rely only upon myself
X. I will interpret every phenomenon as a particular dealing of god with my

I think the items in red may be being enforced in my life at the moment. I am terrible at item IV, bitch about the red part in item V but I do it. I am getting better and better at item IX.  I think I may be to the point of nearly gaining an understanding now.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

What the heck am I doing?

I just received a comment from a friend that says since he doesn't do CM that he has no idea what I'm doing. First, allow me to apologize. Sometimes, I write to share specific things other times I hit diary mode, well most of the time. If something needs clarified please let me know and I will usually be happy to, time permitting.

First allow me to describe the scene.

I have a temple room in my home that is either set up with a traditional CM/masonic double-cube altar in the center with four side altars or the full Enochian kit. Check the Enochian tabs to see that if you want.

I am not doing my current work there.

Instead I have a Jason Miller/CM altar. I have a shelf with a white candle for the sephira Keter (unity wiht the all) four other candles on a desk in lower sephirotic colors (yellow, green, orange and purple) and a red candle for the divine earth on the floor.

Also uopn the desk is a black circular mirror handmade by myself. Upon it I have written in white crayon the sigil of the entity I am seeking to contact. To either side of my chair and just behind me are two white candles that illuminate the mirror and my reflection in it. I then enter a trance by gazing at the mirror and calling the entity I want verbally and mentally.

Once the spirit shows up, I test it to make sure it is the right one. Then I simply interact with the spirit in question. My purpose is to break a cycle of thought that is preventing me from growing spiritually and as a magician. I've made great progress in a short period of time. I have hope of making a break through on many levels.

There are some CM tricks to keep the lower entities in line so one doesn't become obsessed as can sometimes happen with unruly spirits.  However, almost any technique used to directly interact with spirits done too often can be problematic. One needs friends to keep an eye out on you. Fortunately, besides the folks here that would notice if I fell off the deep end, I have others that would grab me by the lapels if necessary.

(Someone is going to ask me what those tricks are to keep things in line. Sorry, I keep trying to type that and it keeps going away. I am taking that as a sign to keep my mouth shut. )

Potentially Dangerous Work

RO made a good point in the comments section of last night's post.

The technique I am using is a variant of Poke Runyon's goetia technique, which I do not endorse for that purpose. Poke has an initiatory and practiced take on things that may work great for his students but likely shouldn't be practiced by the person that hasn't taken all the preparatory steps in his system. I could be wrong but that is my opinion of the moment.

As long time readers know, I have a particularly bad issue that stemmed from trauma within a former group. My work on this issue is the only work magickally I've ever done without significant, even short term, result. I am willing to go out on a bit of a limb for these of reasons.

1)  I am really tired of being tired of this issue. I am willing to conquer it or die trying and that isn't a huge exaggeration.
2)  I have done a lot of invocation and some evocation in the past. I'm not a novice.
3)  Golden Dawn work does prepare you with a number of tools that may not be in the toolkit of the average practitioner without benefit of that training and those initiations.
4) If I get in trouble, I have quiet a few people I respect that can call me short that I will listen to.
5) I've seen too many signs that this is the right path for me at the moment.

In short this is not the first method that I'd have chosen to use. However, I will not live in abject fear of working outside of the norm, especially since Western CM is not the world wide norm.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010


I had a long IM chat with a friend last night. He knows who he is. We talked of the things that make up my 'issue'. He was trying to say much. I could not hear. He did offer me some advice on another issue. True it was another issue but it was the same, related at least. The advice was simple. Divine.

I'm a fair hand at the tarot. The resolution to one issue was silence as represented by Harpocrat on one of the cards. The other was the end of the monkey mind represented by the two of swords. I focussed on the later.

The twos all mean "nothing can stop you now" in one form or another as I read the cards. I took a leap and conjured the archangel of Chockmah Ratziel. It was a bit harder to reach him than Kedemel using his sigil written on a black mirror. When I first recieved a taste of him (her? it?) he counseled persistence. I listened and continued.

He said my problem was "the imaginary other". I immediately understood. I see the actions, be they good bad or indifferent, and create the the 'whole' in my mind. This created image is something I can defend with the poisoned logic Taphtharath pointed out to me.

I began to ask to understand the real whole of many people. Naturally, I saw not their 'whole' but a new aspect. The friend I mentioned above feels he owes me debt. This feeling was so profound that it was nearly overwhelming. Yet, this man owes me nothing at all, nothing. Yet, I'm confident I understood a part of him I never knew before no did he ever hint at.

I was given a glimpse of some others too. Some friends, some not. A work friend K really does love me. It isn't romantic love of any sort but one of kindness and friendship. That was nice. I've always thought her to be quite kind.

I glimpsed my silent mentor, close friends, work acquaintances. With each viewing of a greater part of them. I felt more whole. Peace profound. At some point, I saw the figure of Harpocrat as he appears in the Thoth tarot.

In rereading this, the trance seemed quite short but I assure it lasted quite a long time or at least felt like it. I have, of course, not relayed what I saw when I was shown greater parts of others than I had perceived. 

The trance states using the black mirror have been very effective. This technique has become an instant favorite. My only concern is that it is a bit like being on drugs in that coming down is hard. It isn't hard as in difficult but more like the trance state lasts long after I've left the altar.

Sunday, February 21, 2010


Tonight, I adopted the Poke Runyon method for goetic evocation to Kedemel. I didn't do the full rite of course. I simply used a black mirror with the sigil of Kedemel fashioned out of white crayon. I chanted a spontaneous chat and conjured the spirit.

She would not let me see her as I had not done the proper rites but said that it is unlikely she could have appeared to me anyway. I told her that I wanted to reconcile her energies and stop suppressing them. She wasn't impressed.

Her mantra was that my problem is that I am not in proper relations with the people in my life, my various levels of the soul and other unnamed things. Her job was to put me in proper relations. Once that occurs, my communications will be better along with my frustrations. I could feel something odd occur as she worked on aligning my subtle bodies. The feeling can only be described like a chiropractor's alignment of the spine. There were distinct feelings of the bodies moving.

Towards the end I heard, "You are within the Grace of God". The Grace of God is a title of Haniel, archangel of Netzach where Venus (Nogah) resides on the tree of life. There was a feeling of deep peace at this. I KNOW I made connection with an angel of Netzach, which is reasonably far up the tree.  I am very much still in an 'open' state of mind.

I will use this method of achieving a trance state again. The method needs some fine tuning to work best but this was a jolly good first try.

Original Sin

I've never bought the concept of original sin and how it is used to condemn the new born in the eyes of Christianity.

For one odd reason or another, the concept occurred to me while driving today. I have noticed that the problems everyone faces on the path of personal alchemy almost always is the result of some interaction with others. This then causes some questionable behavior, which repeats the cycle with someone else. I have never seen a case of questionable behavior on one party's part that didn't result in a learning opportunity for another party's part on some deep seated issue. So, this isn't always a long-term negative. Unless the lesson can not learned by the other party but I digress.

The idea I had is simpler. If you follow the pain we cause each other from stepping on each other's toes in reverse, it would be a long linear line stretching back into history. At some point, you'd find the first person that stepped on someone's metaphorical toes. Is this the root cause of the human condition?

These are just random thoughts I have from time to time and I thought I'd share them here.

Friday, February 19, 2010


I gave her a jingle this evening.

Like Taphthartharath, I used a simple meditation. Unlike that working, I used the hierarchy.

The first spirit in the chain sent me on but did tell me not to follow Kedemel but to reconcile. Ominously, he said following her can get one killed. Hagiel moved me on without comment. Kedemel is rather full of herself. She told me she should be focussed on etc. I blew her off. She then told me that my problems come from suppressing her. Then babbled more about how she should be exalted.

Naturally, this is all b.s. The truth may be contained in the suppressing comment. However, I'm not sure if I hit her or just some lower phantom and garbage. It is likley the lower but I will observe myself over the next few days and see if there are any manifestations like Taphthartharath.

We'll see but I'm REALLY skeptical here. It reminds me of the b.s. one normally gets when one is at the beginning of the work.

My Friend Taph

Well adventures continue. My back issues returned along with his presence. I've been sappy emotional (before pain meds) and rather volcanically emotional at times as well.

Thursday, February 18, 2010


He made his presence known today again. I damn well better figure this one out. There could be negative societal and job related consequences if I don't.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Some Results...

In my Live From Pantheacon post, I mentioned I received a Hebrew Lot reading from Elisheva Nesher. The context of the reading was "How can I get past being stuck in my chosen path?" I don't normally discuss my Golden Dawn life here at all. Truth be told I've been stuck in the same initiatory grade for four years. Given the potential fall out of that sort of longevity in this grade, I have held it together quite well.

The first thing she said was that I've been traumatized in a religious setting by someone I'd call 'sister'. She doesn't know me and that pegged some things so clearly there she had my complete attention. She said this person "sinned against me" and then she used some adjective like grievously.  She went on to say that I blame myself. She emphasized quite clearly that this situation was not caused by my actions and I am not responsible for the actions of others.

Elisheva is a former Israeli commando. She is a grandmother that would be happy to bake you cookies and show you great love and kindness. She is also one tough matriarch. When Elisheva looks you in the eye because she has something to say, you listen.

This self-blame has left me with my nose on the door, the right and proper door but unable to walk through due to the fear that if I try to cross the portal again, another person will come that I will allow to commit another such traumatizing act. Her advice was to learn to enter trance states while working on the problem. She also advised a few other things. Some of which I will keep private. The others, like branching off and out of my tradition for various workings, I've already done. This is not to leave the tradition I am in but simply expand myself.

So last night, I began doing tarot readings to determine which spirit I should contact in said trance state. A spirit of Luna was eliminated. A spirit of Mercury was confirmed. This made sense as I have some anger issues as well. Anger is often the result of adversely impacted Mercury. The results can be sarcasm, verbal expressions of anger, destructive logic, etc. I can be guilty of all of those but the latter is my real issue with my 'issue'.

So last night, I am trying to meditate and I hear a very clear voice say, "Taphthartharath". Is a planetary spirit of Mercury. It seemed a good idea to meditate on the name. Now, this is poor CM practices as Taphthartharath is below the planetary angel and intelligence. He is a blind force. Blind forces are dangerous. A good CMer will call the spirits superiors first.

I did it anyway.

So, nothing much a happened but a quieter voice told me I'd need the equivilent spirit of Venus as well.

Today, I was full of energy, spunk and fire. Snappish. Wasp-like. My mind felt like I'd drank twenty cups of coffee and snorted a few lines. My thoughts jumped to and fro in a frenzy. I had so much energy that I speed home at lunch at 80 mph and I simply do not drive like that. I was verbally spouting off about my issue. Pissed at other drivers for no reason and verbalizing that too. Then, out of my mouth fell, "I am Taphthartharath." I understood that this blind force was the root of my obsession, flurries of thought and the like over my issue.

He told me that I can not control him but I can reconcile him. After that, the mind frenzy calmed down a bit and then faded as the day wore on.

I will be working with him and some other spirits. Maybe, just maybe, I have this obsession thing with my issue in my sights. I would so love to leave it behind. It has made the last six years or so of my life seriously less enjoyable. Frankly, much of it has been controlled misery.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Pantheacon Presentation: The Reviews are In

Frankly, the 9:00 AM Monday start time was not too fun. Given 80 peopled showed up the 11:00 AM Monday talk last year, I was disappointed by the 30 to 40 this year.

That aside, I did have several people from last year's class go out of their way during the weekend to let me know how much the enjoyed it. That validation made me feel pretty good.

The class went very very well. The jokes, which I considered pretty poor, were received with polite laughter and a few genuine outbursts and chuckles. This was more than I expected. The presentation simply didn't lend itself to humor.

It was a great deal of fun to see the lights of realization to turn on at various point during the presentation but the real fun came when it was over. It is no exaggeration that 90% of the attendees asked for my card so they could stay in touch or be sent  more information. As if that wasn't satisfying enough, these were the comments:

One man told me that my presentation made the expense and effort of attending the Con worth it all by itself.

Two people asked me if I had a dvd of the presentation they could buy so they could watch it at their leisure. They wanted to digest all the material.

Another told me that all the information he'd been reading had been disjointed and I'd just handed him a map that made everything make sense. He want on to say that I've given him many many hours of material to meditate on.

Giving someone a map to use made every effort associated with learning the material and organizing it into a presentation worth it! This is what Lon DuQuette's writing and tutelage have done for me. Giving that gift to someone else is an incredible high.

I am now more excited than ever to get back to the work on the book.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Live From Pantheacon

I spent an hour in the tarot reading tables on Friday and didn't get a paying nibble. Though three hours of mostly sitting there today yielded three reads for a tidy sum that helped defer the cost of the event. I learned some tricks for next year, assuming they invite me back.

Most importantly, I NAILED the readings and deeply feel I helped a couple of people significantly. Isn't that what it is all about? Serving others is really cool when you really know you've been an aid to someone. My last read ended the reading by asking me if I was writing a book. It felt nice that someone thought enough of what I did for her to leap to the conclusion that I had something to say.

I also received a reading from Elisheva Nesher. She is a Hebrew lot reader 'of the people'. She is damn good and nailed my issues to the wall. I was really impressed! More importantly she indicated a way out that I have already begun to do. She also added some things that, while they make sense, never occurred to me to do.

I am always a bit taken aback when I deal with diviners over my 'issue'. She displayed the classic signs. When she first found the issue, the emotions that flashed across her face were pain, anger and sadness. When she saw the resolution, there was an air of deep respect. I never ask about these things but I do notice them. I may blog more about that reading after  I return. I must admit I've had more than a bit too many to make a competent decision on the matter at the moment.

My presentation is on Monday. Hopefully, this will go well.

I also spent some time in the Thelema hospitality suite listening to a fellow talk on the qlippoth. Simply awesome stuff. I hope he keeps in contact. The man has done the work and has something to say.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Unsolicited Invitation

Yesterday, I received an unsolicited invitation to be one of the official Pantheacon tarot readers for this year's event. I will be sharing tables with the likes of Lon Milo DuQuette, Thalassa, Mary Greer and notable others.

If you're a reader of this blog and are going to Pantheacon drop by the sign up for a reading. I will be listed on the register as Robert Hxxxxx

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Mentor, Jason and Metatron

Today, I finally got back on the job of expanding the tarot class for Pantheacon. I had a very difficult time getting started. I put it off for weeks. Finally I could wait no longer and yet still, no effort.

I went to my Jason inspired altar/prayer room/library, and asked Metatron for some help Monday night. He immediately told me not to work on it that night. Instead, I was to come home after work today, eat and then after a short bit of doing nothing, enter the altar room. I was to light the "God" candles at the top and foot of the altar as well as, the candles for tipereth and netzach. He instructed me to meditate on the Netzach candle and pore breath the fire.

All this I did. I also listened to the instruction to keep the Netzach candle burning as I worked. My writing was inspired, easy and, if I must say so myself, damn good. This act of willed creativity was the result of my mentor's teaching and patience with me without which I'd never have been able to reach Metatron, Metatron himself and Jason's ideas that inspired the altar.

Note: I also realized that I often am thankful to my mentor for putting up with me. I just realized that I've done a pretty good job of putting up with him too! I often fail to give myself credit where it is due. So this time, I thought I'd acknowledge it as part of being more balanced.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Pantheacon Speaking Date

The Final Pantheacon schedule is out. I will be speaking on the tarot pips at 9:00 AM on Monday. Pantheacon is being held at the Double Tree Hotel in San Jose. For more information, please follow this link.