Sunday, May 31, 2009

Lack of Recent Posts

I have falling behind on posting of late. I am readjusting to school and this weekend the hardwood floor is going in. FINALLY! So, I haven't been doing much. I will get back to it soon.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

First Night with Water

Well, this didn't go as planned.

I never had a great meditation with water to kick things off. First, I developed a massive case of allergies with near puke level post nasal drip. Wonderful. Then, I clicked on a link for a PBS show on the Native American story as Englishmen began to colonize. Emotional? Yup. Then My Gal informed me about this. Yup, despite the title, another water thing.

I tried to focus on the meditation as I went to sleep but I found it difficult. The late night resulted in my dreams being interrupted by my internal alarm clock. Good thing that, I would have overslept.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Next Stavish and the "Hill"

I am moving on in the Stavish meditation technique. I think I promised someone to outline that but I have forgotten. I will get on that soon. Starting tonight, I will do water.

Cherry Hill

I've been doing the readings required. The book for Research and Writing is called Witching Culture by Sabina Magliocco. I am finding it very odd that her take on a group from a very similiar formal tradition as my past group is so very different. I am not going to get into those differences. I've ranted enough in various places about my issues with my former group. I am just surprised.

It is very difficult to study paganism without drudging up old wounds that for whatever reason, I just can not let go. However, study I will.


Is hanging around again. He comes too close and I want him away. He goes away, I want him closer. Perhaps in that is my religious lesson. Get in or get out.

Monday, May 25, 2009

It is Memorial Day

Take a moment and think of why.

For you dreaming peacenics out there, you know I support you and share the dream. However, brave practical people have provided us that luxury. That being said, what would have happened if...

Godspeed to the living and the fallen.

Thanks Dad.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

All You Need is Love

One of the texts I am reading for Cherry Hill is The Craft of Research. There was no pun intended in the title. The book contends that we should read other people's research with "amiable skepticism." The phrase immediately caught my imagination.

One of the things that I've noticed about humans is that we are wrong - a lot. Yet when others make the wrong decisions and disappoint our expectations, most of which we haven't made clear but demand others follow anyway, we get angry. This is pointless given the lead statement in this paragraph. Shouldn't we expect people to be wrong? Not only in dealing with others but in how they perceive themselves? What if we viewed our interactions with others from the perspective of amiable skepticism?

Some would view that as a negative point of view. I disagree. There is nothing negative about being amicable. There is also a great margin of error in taking many people at face value. They often do not follow-up on what they say, much less our projected expectations. Viewing others lovingly yet being aware of various potential errors seems to be a greater virtue than skepticism or rabid distrust.

I realized that this is a teaching method of my mentor. The harshest he's ever said anything is, "I don't think so." There is nothing accusatory or distrustful and nothing that sounds the least bit like a know it all. Is treating folks with amicable skepticism a form of love? For if we do so, we feel no disappointment in others and therefore able to remain engaged.

While this seems like a shift in theme, please bear with me. Earlier today, My Gal asked me to relieve some pain for her. I did my normal shtick which to me looks like a series of awesome visuals but has no power at all. She says my ministrations relieve the pain so who am I to argue? When I was finished she said, "You'll have to show me how to do that sometime." The immediate answer that sprang to mind was, "You just love someone without trying to control them."

Is this the same as amicable skepticism? In neither case is there the need to control the form of the outcome to the interaction. It is simply interacting without attachment. In this, may be a secret.

Paper Thoughts

Today, may be a day of many posts. I plan to be working in a few areas and as usual, I plan to post. I suppose I could do them all at once but I find I do not have the time to make the various activities flow freely across the page.

I am starting on my research paper for Cherry Hill. The topic I've proposed has to do with prayer and its use in the modern GD inspired ceremonial magick. My theory is that while you can certainly find prayer in the GD initiatory rituals, prayer is nearly omitted or glossed over in GD inspired texts on how to do magick.

The paper will cover the types of prayer used in general by humanity, Agrippa's use of prayer, and prayer in the ancient grimories. I will then take several texts on modern magick and analyze their ritual structure and the role prayer plays. I will also ask several authors I know that have written books on ritual that have omitted prayer and find out why. Finally, I will discuss how more prayer can be incorporated.

This has already brought up a couple of issues. One of the reasons I am going to Cherry Hill is to expose myself to different parts of the pagan community. Yet, in my first project, I am proposing to study Golden Dawn type materials. So much for getting out of my comfort zone!

Secondly, how will I deal with the topic of prayers of imprecation? That is a nice term I found on a Christian website that basically means cursing someone through prayer. While I fully embrace the idea that the rare curse can be necessary to living a life that allows us our magickal pursuits, I am not sure I have the room to explore the depth of that topic.

Moreover, I have a personal issue. My goal is utter unity with the divine. How can someone pursue that goal and reject anything at all? Isn't a curse the ultimate rejection? Isn't a curse the ultimate in separating from the target? Everything is part of the ultimate divine. Yet, there are people, religions, attitudes and all sorts of things that I cast off. I think the answer to that question is unity of the self. When all parts are reconciled internally, we fit like a key into a lock and the marriage of microcosm to macrocosm happens. That is my theory of the moment. If I ever get there, I will know.

Friday, May 22, 2009


I am still practicing the Stavish exercise focussed on air by using the kerub of air symbol. Last night, I dreamed of gunmen. We were in a commercial area like a plaza. There were two stories buildings in a block horseshoe. The open end led to the street. There was an indoor feel to an outside space.

Gunmen were there threatening people. The police were on their way and I was chatting with various people, totally fearless. Usually in dreams of this nature there is at least some trepidation if not outright fear. I was not lucid but I could think.

This morning and again this afternoon, I felt odd at work. I felt like my brain was encased in cool vibrant air. This air was like another part of me but less than aware. It was not intelligent as far as I could tell. This sensation is wholly pleasant and I find it encouraging. Is this a separation of a subtle body? Time will tell.

I've had several queries regarding the book the Stavish techniques are coming from. Please see the side bar to this blog for a link.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Just Stuff

Last night, I walked into the temple room. It was only the first time I had walked into it since setting up the Enochian tools again. The first time was the day of. I was disappointed that it didn't feel the same. Last night, it hummed quite nicely. Yum.

I noticed the energy came from above. This was very distinct, likely because the offerings I do draw energy from below. I am learning to perceive the subtle differences, which is cool.

When I made the offerings, I still drew energy from the earth. I saw two cones, one inverted, which met at the apexes. Nice, very nice.

Over the past two days, I've become very intuitive. I've anticipated calls before the arrive. I've had things prepared before someone asked for them. I recall this sort of thing happening the last time I focused on the Stavish exercises as well.

Cherry Hill

The classes have started. So far, I am impressed and I feel that I am learning. The Research and Writting class is right up my alley given that I am in the midst of writing the tarot classes/book. With only one class session down, it appears to be what I hoped for. There is a certain satisifaction in completing the assignments. Though, they've been short easy ones.

Dream Short

I did dream last night despite going to bed after 11:00 as I was enjoying my new toy.

I was in My Gal's parents house. There were new animals, a puppy, kitten and something else. A party was just beginning. I was sitting on a couch next to My Gal and I began to wonder if I could astral project. I thought of the moon and Yesod but drew the letter Gimel, much higher on the tree than I intended to go. I wasn't really lucid as I thought I was in normal consciousness.

I also dreamed of speaking with Gary Sheffield, the ball player.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


Today, we brought home the 42" monitor. I also converted to wireless.  So, I now blog from the comfort of my couch.  There is  a subtle feeling of success.

How pointless is that? While I needed a new monitor sorely and I am more comfortable, I spent money on something I really didn't need. Yet, somehow, I feel that I am more secure. In reality, I am less secure because I have less liquid cash. 

Did marketers really do this to us or is there an inherent human need to gather stuff. I'd bet on the former but I'm not an anthropologist. 

From the Department of Redundancy Department

No dreams last night again. Odd that I'd been dreaming so well of late and then to be shut off. But, Tryphon is correct in his comment. I have been going to bed slightly later.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Just a Note

Even though the mediation last night seemed to be a massive improvement, I can not recall a dream. 

I started my first Cherry Hill class today, Research and Writing. I enjoyed it so far. I managed to get all the way through class without being being expelled. It is a start.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Stavish Payoff...

Last night's meditation improved. In rereading Stavish, I learned I was supposed to be inside the ball of light. I also decided to change the symbol of air I was using from the upward triangle with the bisecting line, to Aquarius, Kerub of Air. I made the Aquarius symbol very small.

I dreamed that I was being hunted. A sniper was after me and I was fearful. I ran into various houses but he was still on the trail. Finally, I saw him take him, he was using a toy gun of the type that shot a cork out of the barrel. I could even see the string that kept the cork with the gun. 

After reading the link the Scribbler sent to me in the comments, the dream interpretation was quite easy. That which I fear to give up is harmless.

Today, I meditated again placing myself inside the red ball. I prayed to my HGA to remove all obstacles of air that prevented me from astral projection. The ball became more real and was obviously spinning very fast in a counter clock wise direction. When I placed the very small Aquarius symbol on the far 'wall', the spinning jolted to a stop then quickly resumed. The symbol spun just as quickly clockwise. My body felt different from head to shoulders. They felt like they were very quietly vibrating.  

Cherry Hill classes start tomorrow!

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Moving On to Air

The Stavish book says you do a week with each element as you're learning to lucid dream. Then you do a week with each planet. So be the rules.

Last night, as I was meditating on the earth symbol encased in the red ball, it was very clear that I was done. Air, here I come. As I meditated, I prayed to my HGA to clear the blockages of air that I may explore. I had many dreams that involved me being taught something and one involved my sister's family and me sneaking away from them to get a bagel because they couldn't decide where to eat breakfast. I am sure that had some deep mystical meaning! The dreams where I was being taught were confusing. As I started to wake I tried to remember them and then decided that they were not Stavish related. Why I thought that I don't know. Then I decided my HGA did not answer my prayer. Immediately, I felt the shell of my main issue. I felt how tense it made my entire body. It was a bit creepy. That may have lasted for three seconds. 

As a reflection of the great Eleusinian mysteries, I was talked to and then shown. 

Enochian Temple and Tarot:

Today, we put the Enochian temple back up. There is an ebb and flow to things with a necessary pause. The flow part has begun again. In part because I need to learn more about the tarot. I have spent a good part of the afternoon working with the first group of downloads and then working my way through the last one, disks, which is proving difficult. Nanta has explained why. I don't have the time to give that dissertation at the moment. 

For the most part this is my personal system of tarot and that system is designed for one purpose. I am not going into a bunch of detail but I do plan on teaching it locally. I am still writing though only up to 2,500 words or so.

Well, this is about my third entry today. I have been bouncing in and out of temple staring at tarot cards. It is HARD. I feel like this is a reflection of my GD-style initiations, even one's I have yet to take! There is an introduction, a harsh reality, even a terror that spawns a retreat. Then one is ready to proceed.

Fourth entry of the day now.

I meditated on EHNB. S/he is the ruler of the Tablet of Union. I basically told her that I was done. I needed to reconcile the elements and needed to do it now. Furthermore, I am going to astral project.  

I invited her in my body. She poured into me like a liquid. I was startled and said "you have a human form?" Her answer was that she filled my form as that makes me more comfortable. There was certain Pan-like quality that didn't match anything I'd associate with Pan. When she heard the name in my head she said that by her filling my body (attuning me) I would be in greater attunement to Pan. By working with Pan, I'd be in greater attunement with her. However, she made it quite clear that they are not compatible at the same time. She was quite firm. 

Regardless, she told me that in order to do what I needed to do, I needed to give up thoughts. This lined up nicely with moving on to air in the Stavish meditations. She said there were certain thoughts that kept me from projecting.  She asked me if I was ready to give them up. I said yes. She made sure that I meant yes by asking, "No matter what they are?" Naturally, I agreed. 

I then saw a string that dropped from my brain deep into the earth. She told me to release it and I did. It snapped back into the earth like elastic. This happened several times. Some were thoughts about myself, others, the work etc. One of those thoughts involved my inner need to be perfect. I am very hard on myself for not being perfect. Most of the time, folks are simply not aware at how much I beat myself up for my mistakes but I do. I asked where this thought came from. 

Instantly, I was back in kindergarten. The image was quite clear. I was taken back to the point of a story long told in my family for a laugh. As a child, I would always want to color with the black crayon. My class mates would be more than happy to hand it over. A teacher noticed this and thought I was color blind. I was taken to three or four doctors. I think one of them was a mental health person but I could be mistaken on that point. On my second or third trip to an eye doctor to test for color blindness the doctor asked me why I colored with the black crayon. I said it was the only one I didn't have to wait for or fight over. Everyone laughed and off I went. 

However, somehow in my young mind, this was connected that I had to be like everyone else or I was bad. I knew I wasn't like everyone else and off I went on this need to be perfect. It should be interesting to see if I give myself a break after this. Though she warned me that was a bit dangerous. If I am not balanced, I could go to the other extreme. 

She made all sorts of promises about astral projecting soon. I will wait and see if that happens. Her soon and my soon may mean two different things. Human time and spirit time are not the same.

I did ask here if the strings tying me to the earth were reality. She did not have a way of explaining that to my mind. She said they were metaphor that were closely connected to reality. 

Perceptions of Truth

"All these theories, diverse as they are, have two things in common. They explain the observed facts, and they are complete and utterly wrong." -- Terry Pratchett The Light Fantastic

Yup and so goes the great work. Many times has my unenlightened self held on to explanations of given events that clearly and unarguably explained the facts. The problem is that we get focused on the facts and those facts hide something greater. The truth is often hidden by a smaller truth.

Seeking enlightenment means releasing one's grip on certain perceptions even if those perceptions are based on unarguable truth. For only in this way can we find something deeper and more precious. Something that better explains the facts as interesting but pointless. I am sure, later in the work, these realizations get discarded too. 

Friday, May 15, 2009

A Friday Night Clue

Friday night.

Weird mood, tired and restless. Spent the evening reading a Terry Pratchett novel.

My mentor sent me an email in reply to something I sent him. He almost never does this anymore. Frankly, most of it I already knew but he said one thing that I shant repeat. It brought a couple of things together.  Some time back I posted about a heard message that said, "your magick always works make sure you do it in order." Very recently, I said I had to get that 'spirit' feeling without ritual and that I knew the way WitchDoctorJoe taught me but that didn't quite feel right. Now, I understand. 

That said,

I know but I know I don't know. I don't have the full picture yet. 

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Off Topic: Isn't There any Company Out There with Pride in its Work?

Good Grief:

My new hardwood floor arrived today. It didn't show up the first two times it was supposed to be delivered. The only reason I knew it was supposed to come (when it didn't) was because I called and asked. Suddenly today, I get a call from a freight company saying they are 20 minutes out. I can get there or I will have $1800 in flooring sitting on my front lawn.

I get there. I move the stuff into the house. Yes, they sent the floor. No, they did not send the various other items that are needed during installation.

So, the floor arrived two weeks late, with no notice and missing pieces. Why is it that every time I buy something now-a-days I am faced with continual incompetence and indifference? Do these places think I am going to recommend them to my friends? Are they convinced I will hide their incompetence for them? Do they think they have so much business in this economy that they can afford to guarantee people won't be back? Have they not learned it is five times more expensive to get someone to buy once than twice? Amazing. 

If you are planning on buying a floor, I advise staying away from Lumber Liquidators. 

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Fruit of the Stavish Tree

More Stavish Dreams

Last night, instead of focusing on the nape of the neck before going to sleep, I meditated on it while fully awake. During the meditation I prayed to my HGA to teach me want needed to do to get past the water issues that are holding me up. Basically, I adopted the stance that the earthy water dreams I had were a clue in that direction. I dreamed of sitting with a red-headed member of the OSOGD and asking for further initiation. Unfortunately, I can not remember the group name I asked to be admitted to. My request was received with 'knowing' and pleasure. 

The dreams I have had each night seem to be more directly related to my quest than most dreams I have. Though, I am not anywhere near lucid.

This evening I meditated on the issue that I discuss here as haunting me. I think I understand now. There is a saying I've used for a long time. I once told a seeker who was pontificating about his understanding, "You know but you don't know you don't know." This is where I have been for a long time. Now, I think I know and I know I know. My only doubt is that this has lasted for so long that it is hard to beleive I get it but it feels like I do.

This resulted in some work I can only share with my mentor.


I've started writing a tarot class to be given locally. My only raw magickal talent is the tarot. There are a couple of people that are respectfully afraid of my abilities in that area. I know exactly what I need to say but I am needing to do some research on a few things to get over a hurdle. I have only 2,500 words done so far but I will keep plugging away.

I am really in need of a conversation with VonFaustus. I will contact him when he is back from being silent. 

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Lucid Dreaming, Not Yet

I've been doing the Stavish exercises for lucid dreaming. I have recalled my dreams each night but would not call them lucid. At this juncture, I am on the earth cycle. I am finding myself 'cleaning up' water. Imagine that. Me, cleaning up an emotional issue. 

The upside is that I am much more refreshed upon waking.

In doing some more reading of the material, I find myself to be disappointed with myself. Though, that isn't the right word. I want to say I haven't worked hard enough to experience the sephiro and paths in a more direct way. But, I know I work hard. Perhaps, I am realizing that work has either been misdirected or is in need of redirection. 

This should not be taken as a post of emotional angst. I am quite comfortable with me. I just know there is so much more.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Sunday was Better

I worked on the next Stavish exercise last night. This involves creating a red orb at the neck and placing a symbol of earth within it. This is to be done at some point over the day or just as one is going to sleep. I chose the latter and had no trouble with the visualization.

I do recall a dream. It involved walking across a bridge over water. It also involved some sort of maintenance job where myself and a friend opened a business repairing water damage within apartments. We entered the wrong apartment and the fellow was a bit pissed. Though, he did have some water damage. 

There was some sort of issue where WitchDoctorJoe had to be in my apartment at all times and he wasn't there. This is likely a symbol of earth as he's an earthy kind of guy.

Spirit Practice

I did the spirit invoking LBRP/BRH/MP ritual at 5:30 this morning. Hereafter, I will call this the spirit practice. When I did the BRH and reached air, a mercury symbol remained. It moved it a fast circular pattern. It took a bit of work to get rid of it. The water quadrant contained a symbol of Scorpio. That too took some work to rid myself of.

Once again, I saw a crown when I started with Keter. It was a very strong visual image. When I worked my way back up the middle pillar from Malkuth, the crown appeared again. 

By Noon

Sometime about mid morning, I received some inspiration. Last night, I recieved a partial download of the last remaning suit of the tarot, disks. I know how to work with the rest when next the mood strikes. Today's inspiration was doing a class on the tarot at the local shops. This call will be called: The Magick of the Self: Using the Pip Cards as a Tool for Self-Exploration. By noon, I had the full outline written for eight hours worth of classes. Funny, this lends itself to a book that I can write huge portions of prior to doing any fill-in research. 

By three or so, I had 1,200 words written.

Invoke spirit, invoke often.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Brief Note

Today, I've been tired. Really tired. My back issues have long moved into my hips and legs now and it is even more tiring than before. Though, often the pain is more of a psychological struggle than anything else. It is a question of, "Can I beat it today?" 

No. Not today. My entire body and spirit fells oppressed as if the wings of my soul are stuck on fly paper. 

I did manage to read parts of Witching Culture and Between the Gates. I will do the next exercise in the latter. However, I felt myself being pissed off at my lack of intellectual knowledge regarding a wide variety of subjects involving what I do. 

When at First You Don't Succeed

Change the Rules!

I have been working on astral projection and lucid dreaming by working through the book Between the Gates by Stavish. For newer readers, I will recap that this blog started with my work from this book just over a year ago. I had a some moderate success but then stopped. Sometimes in the work, I need to have a taste of things, digest a bit and then go back to them. 

After a year of blogging, says there are now over 100 subscribers to this space and someone reads a post here every fifteen minutes. Yet, when it comes to astral projection and lucid dreaming, I am almost right where I started. This is not acceptable. I enjoy the blogging and enjoy being told that I've assisted a person or two along with their journey. For me, that is paying a debt back to my mentor. I will never be able to say 'paid in full' but every little bit helps. That said, I want to take the next step and project. 

I partnered up with Fr. LVF on the second pass at the Stavish book. We were going to compare notes on-line and off. I haven't done very well and I haven't heard from the frater in some time. 

I don't normally make agreements and then flake off. This is not acceptable.

When I restarted the Stavish book, I began with the opening meditation designed as a purification. I can do the meditation but it is kicking my ass by forcing me to rehash an old issue that I have not yet concurred to the point of utter distraction. I am all for conquering it. Yet this method is not working. I am having strong suspicions as to why and am seeking outside consultants on the issue. Regardless, that first meditation is not helping me to astral project.

Therefore, I am changing the rules. I am skipping the purification exercise and moving on to exercise number 2. This time next year, I will be able to astral project at will. 

Fr LVF, are you still out there? Please let me know of your work either here or privately. 

Thought for the Day

People that live in glass houses, die as the result of hideous experiments -- K.W.


Friday, May 8, 2009

Pan and Stavish

The moon is full tonight. After working uncharacteristically late, I went for a walk. I felt "out of place" and out of sorts. I was uncomfortable in my own skin. Upon returning, I tried to read some of my Cherry Hill texts. But, I felt the push from Pan to enter my temple room and just meditate on him. I did. 

I heard dogs/wolfs howling, three knocks on my screen door (likely the cat chasing other cats away) and a distant flute. From time to time, I see Pan, through the glass darkly. The meditation eventually turned into the Stavish exercise that kicks my ass over an issue I have. It did so again.

I still feel out of place.

Another Point of View

When I posted about being 'In Between' a mention of Reclaiming was made. This generated a lot of comments regarding 'Goddess Only' paradigms. Most of it was unfavorable. I believe I've made my point clear on that particular issue. 

However, many folks assumed the only correct position to take was of a genderless 'source' god. This reflects the bias of the current culture. There is only one god. How do we know? Because they've renamed Yahweh "God". They took away his name and gave him the noun. Therefore, all other gods are lesser or non-existent. There would be less Christians if they called him by his name because naming one's god acknowledges others exist. Knowing that others exist allows the spiritual seeker to explore. Allowing only once choice restricts the seeker to two responses, the "God" or no god.  Even as pagans we 'split the difference' and claim to be pagan and monothestically inclined. Such is the influence of the "All god".

This is why so many spiritual people are out of sorts. They are forcing themselves into one little mold. That mold fits many but not everyone. 

If you say you're pagan, you owe it to yourself to read a book that blows away the concept of the omnipotent, omnipresent, all-knowing God. It lays out the arguments for that position, rebuts them, covers the rebuttals to the rebuttal and that rebuts the rebuttal's  rebuttal. Damn, that's a lot of butts. It explains why so many people turn into asses when they discuss religion. 

You owe it to yourself because it lays out the case for polytheism making more sense than monotheism. I speak as one that 'splits the difference' and still recommend the book. 

Take a gander at John Michael Greer's "A World Full of Gods". The link takes you to the ADF publication wing. Spend the extra buck over Amazon and let the money go into John's pocket. I think with his contributions to the pagan community over many years, he's earned it.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Perspective is a Funny Thing

My friend and coworker has this painting. He told me it was disturbing but he couldn't figure out why. When I first looked at it, I saw an eye and brow turned on its side that related to nothing else. I've added some red to point out the eye and eye brow that I saw. If you double click the picture you'll see the red better. To me, it looked like a Dali-like attempt at painting a disjointed face. I understood why my friend was disturbed.
Then I noticed the real problem. This is a picture of a woman on her back, defending herself from an assault. The eye and brow I saw are her head and her arms up in a defensive position. The white portion of her body will always remain pure and goddess-like no matter what happens. But the assault is taking her spirit and soul on a very dark journey. I shared this with my friend and he disliked it so much that he offered to give me the painting. 

Suddenly, I had an idea. I turned the picture like this:

This is now a woman skiing at night. He decided to keep the painting.

There is so much here to talk about. However, this is my blog so I will talk about what I found so remarkable about this.

1) On the exact same day I saw this picture, Frater RO posted about disturbing art he saw. I like coincidences like that.

2) Black and white photos have always intrigued me. But after evoking a shemhamphoresch angel to visible appearance, I perceive black and white as showing the duality of "God" manifest in Malkuth. I find stark black and white to be a spiritual thing of the highest order. 

I now appreciate the traditional temple floor and certain other things I won't talk about here that are black and white.

3) This is another example of what IS. The artist intended this to be disturbing. Much of her other work is dark and foreboding as well. There is nothing inherently disturbing in black and white paint. There is nothing disturbing about a woman on her back in that position. Someone out of frame may be about to give her a baby that she will play with on the floor. Yet, when our jaded eyes see something, even something we do not fully see, we apply meaning. The meaning we apply does not alter the thing and often does not even come close to accurate description. Internally, we hold that meaning dear and project it outwards. 

This is the death nell for a magician. We must learn to see what is. When we don't, we see what we are. Even if we are damn near accurate regarding the thing, the subtle shades of our thoughts are us, not what IS. The only way to see what is, is to be IS. 

4) As soon as I saw this painting I thought the the artist was 'one of us'. From the titles of some of her other works, I would say she is at the very least tangentially related to occult work.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Another Day in Work and Contemplation...

I am not used to liking everybody. Mostly I am a curmudgeon. Suddenly, I am much less so. Suddenly, I don't dislike folks. This is a bit odd.

I have given a lot of credit to Jason for teaching me some necessary things at just the right moment. However, I think the way I am doing the LBRP now and invoking spirit have a lot to do with it too. 

I am not using the banishing earth pentagrams anymore. Instead, I am banishing each element from its quarter and pushing all of that element out of my body in the process. After doing the Banishing Ritual of the Hexagram, I draw the active and passive pentagrams of spirit over the altar and rend the veil.  I may or may not vibrate Eheieh when I draw the pentagrams but I always say, "I invoke spirit" at some point during the process. 

I think I am beginning to understand something. Thanks the the Golden Dawn, Tipereth is thought to mean beauty. Yet, that is a lesser translation. The most common translation used before the Golden Dawn is something much more descriptive. Though, I can see how beauty applies.


I felt the pull to enter my temple room tonight. I entered and connected with my HGA. He said that he was there but did not call me, "something else did."  I saw primal fire. Then a camp fire. Then a vision. I am not sure that it is proper to the tradition I came from to relate that vision here but I'm thinking about it. I understand some things I didn't understand before. 

Results of Recent Meditation

Last night, I mentioned that I focused on my root chakra during a meditation and that my back muscles relaxed. If that had any effect on my back problems, it made them temporarily worse. I had a bad day.

Death by Cat

We have a cat. Cleo is all about being petted. I've never known a cat that relishes being petted as much as Cleo but that is not the topic here. 

As a hunter, the best you can expect from her is to knock a flying insect out of the air and play with it for a bit until she gets distracted and her victim escapes. This always confuses the cat.

Today, she killed fly with a single swat.

She played with the carcass a bit obviously confused as to why it stopped moving. 

My first thought was about how quickly life can be snuffed out. Then, no. The life necessary to make the fly animated ended. However, immediately that life that decomposes other life gets to work. The life force of the fly didn't end it transmuted. Regardless, the fly is dead. The cat is confused.

Similarly, human life happens. People swat each other, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually. Parts of people die. Yet, the energy of those little deaths does not end. It transmutes. Sometimes, the swats hold no malice. Cleo, no doubt, was playing with the fly. Other times, they are the result of carelessness or personal blind spots. Other times, there is intent behind swat. Regardless, that part of the human is dead. The human cat confused or, if there was intent, can pretend. Cats live for their own amusement.

The dead human part transmutes. How, where and why are not under the control of the cat. All the cat can claim is the carcass. 


Monday, May 4, 2009


I did my spirit invoking ritual including a standard middle pillar and then meditated. 

Right now I feel very relaxed. During the meditation something drew my to my root chakra. I asked myself how I can stimulate this like in the dream of a few days ago. Nothing came to mind. So, I just meditated on that spot. My muscles seemed to relax and I had a tingling sensation over my hips and lower back. 
That is not to imply that I felt any great healing there. I am simply reporting the focusing on my root chakra resulted in a tingling sensation. I also had many visions of roots running along the top of the ground.

How To Do Offerings

Father Tim Mansfield left me a question and by calling me an inspiration likely left me the kindest compliment I have ever received. Thank you, Father Tim. That means a great deal coming from someone that obviously has a calling of his own. Comments like that are humbling in an odd sort of way.

His question was, "...could you explain a bit more detail how one makes offerings. I read your blog entry on it about drawing up Earth and offering it to he spirits, could you say more?"

I can describe what I do and what I see. The how part is more difficult. Had I tried the same thing three years ago, I may have had less success.  Explaining the how is a little like explaining how one thinks but I will give it a try.

First I have to give credit to Jason Miller. I am sure he would be the first to tell you that he didn't invent offerings or this methodology. However, Jason both wrote a book and came into my life at the precise moment when his instruction helped me.  So, if you have an inkling and the funding, buy his book (pictured below) Protection and Reversal Magick. This is a combination of Jason's method and my own 'hows'. 

The Steps

1. For me, it is important that the offering be just that, an offering or gift. There is nothing I expect back from the spirits. This step is important for me as it removes all doubts, all trivialities and need. In short, it makes one empty of lust for result.

2. Quickly on the heals of item 1 is an ability to reach the nether regions of the sense of self. Most of the time when we are thinking or processing random thoughts, we are very aware of what we are thinking, feeling and doing but we are not aware of any type of connection to anything else, even the deeper part of ourselves. To create this awareness, I project my thoughts backwards into the back of my head, as if that is where the subconscious resides. This is my way of making a deliberate attempt to find the part of me that is connected to more than my monkey mind can understand. This is also the part of that believes unreservedly that magick is union and all can be touched. 

I first found this spot when I tried to figure out why my tarot readings work. They worked because I can get 'there'. Others may find that place during meditation or repetitive ritual. I am
sure there are many ways to find that spot. 

3. From the 'back of my brain', I reach down and into the earth. It is like reaching between the molecules of dirt and rocks and finding that malleable part of the most solid. Then I 'pull' it up inside of me. I usually see this as a white light, the same as I'd visualize coming down from Keter. 

4. I rub my hands together until I can physically feel energy in the palms of my hands. 

5. I turn my palms up and offer the energy in the form of a cloud to the spirits of my temple, my house, the loci and the Universe. I usually rub my palms between each one and generate more energy unless I am really buzzing.  I say something like, "I give this energy to the spirits of the loci, may it take any form you/they need." 

It is fun to watch it change shapes. Once it turned into rain clouds but I saw them as very tiny hugging a very small patch of earth. By small, I mean it was as if the distance between earth and clouds was about the height of a blade of grass. A day or two later a weekend rain storm blew in. It isn't uncommon for it to rain here this time of year but it isn't a regular thing either. Last night, it looked like a shock wave from an explosion. Again, this was viewed as very small and hugging the earth. 

6. I give the sign of silence and leave the temple or, if outside, I move slightly away from where I was standing.

I find time spent afterwards in meditation is helpful. I hope this answers your question. If not, feel free to contact me in comments or by using the email address in the header. Just follow the instructions.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

There is Something Different Now

On Saturday, April 25, I posted this

I suddenly realized that I felt like I've always wanted to. When, as a new magician, I said I sought spirit, I was looking for a feeling. I know several people that have radiated externally how I've always wanted to feel internally. Those folks are my mentor, someone that I can not name here and My Gal's mentor. I felt it from Jason Miller as well. Today, for the first time, I felt that within. I've been looking for that for over twenty years.

I have felt that way at least once a day ever since.

Today, I felt that feeling of spirit most, if not all of the day. I pruned trees as we are replacing a fence between my neighbor's home and my own. Even during that process, I felt it. I meditated. I chatted on IM. I used the commode. I ate. I lit a candle for a friend having a hard time.  All through the day, I felt the feeling of spirit. 

It has been a pattern throughout my magickal career that I'd have a flash of being on a new plateau only to fall back and have to work to get there again. I suspected the same with this feeling. Yet, it only seems to grow. It is nice to finally be here, where I have sought to be for a very long time. 

The trigger for me was making offerings. I had not done that as part of my practice before, now it is a daily activity. Sometimes, it is several times a day as the mood strikes.  Just to know it is possible to feel this way is wonderful. To know, it is simply one more beginning is awesome -- in a very quiet sort of way. 


Follow-up LBRP, Reclaiming and Pan


Naufragiobell's response to my answer was wonderful. Using art work as a context for learning ritual and magickal correspondences is a proven tool that I should have included in my list. Even those without great artistic skills can benefit from such exercises. 

Regarding the art work influencing how Nauf perceives the angels, I wouldn't worry about it for a couple of reasons. First, the perception of the angels is unique to the practitioner. Purists will argue that as distinct beings they have a reality beyond our perception. True. However, our perception is mutable depending upon our stage in development and they are capable of displaying themselves to us in a wide variety of manners. If you do the LBRP for years and your perceptions never change, I'd wonder about your ability to grow as a magician.


Lavannah wondered why Reclaiming has so much ire pointed in their direction.  While my last post designated my current perspective, many of the individuals in Reclaiming will continue to challenge my ability to be accepting. There is a huge difference between being pro-female and anti-male.  I have gone to Reclaiming rites and been glared at and once outright confronted strictly because I was male. I am all for them being pro-female. I am I a baffled by anyone with an anti-male stance.

My Gal will say I'm the most feminist man she knows because I demand equal rights AND equal responsibility. I am 100% in favor of woman having the exact same rights as responsibilities as men. Therefore, I believe women should have to sign-up for Selected Service and risk the draft just like men. Say that to most feminists and they will weasel out and so no one should be drafted. This is possibly true. However, as long as men are, woman should be. Equal rights, means equal responsibility. Period.

As far as Gordon's stance, I understand it, as it used to be my own. The Universe has a funny way of reflecting of your old self once you have a new self. Claiming another's perspective on spirituality is 'stupid' is merely a reflection of one's need of self-differentiation. Such a need reveals the true meaning behind the phrase so many occultists use but do not understand, "killing the ego."

Killing the ego does not mean destroying one's personality, how could it? No matter how enlightened one is, the inner self manifests outwardly in a manner we call a personality. Destroying one's ego is removing the illusion that we are separate from the rest of humanity. The need to separate is expressed in viewing other people as 'less than', even when you sincerely feel you are not 'more than'. 

Those that know the tarot know the swords are expressions of great pain. Why? Everything in the tarot can be explained through the aces. Each ace contains one concept and only one concept. To steal and morph Lon Milo DuQuette's fun line, the illusion is that we have no idea how big one is. In the case of the Ace of Swords, the idea is self-differentiation. The human ego must separate itself to understand itself as an individual. Kabbalists out there will recognize the reflection of the Keter/Chokmah link. While apparently necessary, this individualization causes pain. Separation inherently causes pain, every time, all the time. 

Sometimes separation in necessary. For instance, an abusive spouse must be discarded. However, even those that have done so and are glad to be rid of the other, know the pain of marriage and divorce. Killing the ego is recognizing the policeman that gave you that ticket is you. He is enforcing the part of you that needs an ordered society. The cranky customer service representative is you, having a hard day too. The person seeking divinity in a manner that you regard as stupid, is you too. For surely, she is just as mystified at your efforts. 

Those are easy examples. There are more difficult scenarios. Can we see ourselves when someone makes a pass at our spouse? Can we see ourselves when someone tries to steal the shirt off our back? Can we see ourselves when emotional or physical violence is done upon us? 

Swords are painful. Differentiation is painful. Killing the ego is not about self-hatred but expansion into Unity. 


I thought I'd post just a little more on the Pan consecration. As readers of this blog know, I've been fighting Pan off or trying to come to some sort of truce. I realized it has only been two and a half months since he's been actively around me but if feels like much longer.

Friday night, I was sitting in a jacuzzi and contemplating the fact that water is an etheric cleanser. Suddenly, I felt him there. He asked it if was time. I said yes. He pointed out it was twilight. I departed the Jacuzzi and dedicated the necklace to him. I did not dedicate myself to him. Instead, I have become willing to explore a relationship with the god. I believe I will get there fully as Pan is a manifestation of the spirit point of the pentagram. However, there are some personality issues to work out. Spirit manifest in many forms after all. I have learned not to jump into magickal agreements quickly.

Last night, I asked Pan to channel the energy of my Wiccan initiation someplace into my life but not back to that tradition. Yes, that is weaselly (especially given the above) but I am only human. The first step is seeing the path. Walking along it takes time. I have also been asking a certain GD angel to help with astral projection.

I dreamed of being in some sort of facility or home for the mentally anguished. Some one from my group whose name begins with a D was there. He was very happy to have made a break through with one of the young men. I congratulated him. At some point, I was called upon to do something magickal. Mostly, it was a display of intuition for many people that were sitting around. 

When I was finished, someone said something like, "Hey, you missed me." I turned to see a male figure sitting cross-legged on the floor. He was in a simple white gown and his hair was patchy or cut into some odd design that showed a lot of bald areas. I looked at him with astral eyes and he began to glow. First white and then yellow. I let out some sort of exclamation. His aura had various shapes moving through the white and yellow light but I could not fully distinguish them.

Suddenly, I felt a power. There is a peculiar sensation to astral projection where it feels like every part of you is vibrating. My perineum felt like that. I began to float about the room. The sensation was that I was floating on a hyperactive chakra. I moved about the room and came to a wall. I said, "I am going to float through the wall." I reached out my hand to watch it pass through but the wall turned out to be solid. Only then did I realize that I was alone in a white, perfectly cube-shaped room with this being. 

When I landed, "I said, "I can do that to myself, I just can't make myself move." He responded by saying something like "interesting." 

This is a pretty clear astral stimulation of my root chakras. Is this a response from Pan or the GD angel? The man did not look like any form of Pan I've seen. Could it have been both?

Friday, May 1, 2009

The LBRP and Training

Tryphon asked via email if I had any tips on the LBRP as there seems to be some trouble memorizing and confusing the names mid-ritual. I apologize as I am not familiar with Greek names but I am going to assume, Tryphon, that you are male.

Some would tell you to force it through brute memorization. That would work but what do you really learn from that? The goal is to reach a point from which you can do an LBRP instantly. Brute memorization doesn't help much there.

Many magicians have been known to write the divine names on small cards and taping them to the walls. There is nothing wrong with learning the ritual like that. Not only do you have a reminder of the name but it is anchored to a physical place in your memory. However, to make this work, you have to do the LBRP a lot. Which is what I recommend anyway. Do the ritual often. This is not a practice ritual.  This is foundational. 

Oddly, I went through the same phase you are going through. In my case, I would call Eheieh in the south, move to the west realize what I had done and started over. I did that off and on for months. It may help you to look up the meaning of the names, if you have not already.

YHVH is a formula of creation, relating to the four elements Fire, Water, Air and Earth and in that order. Adonai means Lord. Eheieh means "I am that which I am." It is more commonly translated as "I am". AGLA means "Thou Art Great Forever Oh Lord" 

By moving "I am" to the fire quadrant, I was identifying the fire qualities of the microcosm as myself. I tend to covet my fiery side even as I seek to calm it. I denied my emotions (water) as being a part of me. It is easy to see how moving Eheieh to the south was a reflection of that. Perhaps, your issues with the LBRP have some meaning you can ferret out as well. Even, if you can't find that meaning, try taping the note cards on the wall anyway. It has worked for a lot of folks.

I hope this helps.

Tryphon's second question centered on my claim to be a trained ceremonial magician. He asked where I received training and if there is someplace he could could go to recieve the same. 

I was and am being trained by a Golden Dawn Style lodge in Fresno, California, USA. For the vast majority of readers, this is meaningless as few have both the means and desire to travel for such training. Secondly, for me to claim GD Style training is a bit of a misdirection. It is true enough that any egregore guides its members and thus trains them to a certain extent. However, the real training comes from one's mentor, should one one be as fortunate as I. Secondarily, it comes from other adepts and priests/priestesses along the way. Thirdly, it comes from the people you work with or near. 

The item missing from that list is the training that results from your own work.  That can fall pretty flat on someone new. How can my work have a result if I need training to learn how to do the work? The answer may be a rite of obligation.  Twenty some years ago, I performed a rite of obligation from Donald Michael Kraig's book, Modern Magick. This rite is based on the Golden Dawn's, Adeptus Minor ritual. I firmly believe that I found Golden Dawn teachings because I took this oath and did my best (albeit poorly) to live up to that oath, even when it was a long forgotten memory. Having just reread it, it explains a lot about my attitude on proper conduct within a magickal group but that is another story.

What matters here, is that you are swearing to live a certain way, perform certain tasks, and reach for certain ideals that are consistent with your magickal/spiritual values. You are promising the Universe and your Holy Guardian Angel that you will perform or else! That is a huge 'or else' that will not be enforced by any government or group. It will be enforced by your very soul. There is no greater task master.  Take such an oath in the presence of what you find to be holy and then work to live up to it. It took many years for my teacher to appear but appear he did. He arrived when I was ready and not a moment before. 

A word of caution: Taking such an oath for a specific reason (ie finding a teacher) can backfire. Taking such an oath because you feel a calling to be a mage, Bodhisattva, or simply to the divine is more effective. Let the gods send what you need rather than demanding what you think you need. There is a huge difference. 

That last paragraph, will likely get some comments from folks strongly disagreeing with me. Consider those comments. A mage has a mind of his own and blindly follows no one.

Personal Work

Last night, I consecrated a necklace I wear to Pan.

In Between

After reading a book of essays Researching Paganisms (edited by Blain, Ezzy and Harvey) yesterday, I posted about Reclaiming. The Reclaiming tradition can be loosely labeled Feminist Wicca. The first part of my post, regarding them being out of balance, bothered me. So, I took a walk, thought about the issue and continued writing. This space is about working on magick and spirituality. I do my best to post the good, bad and ugly with as little personal editing as I can.

I've spent the day thinking about my initial reaction to reading about Reclaiming and how I've viewed them for a long time.

My introduction to organized occult work was through Alexandrian Wicca. I didn't do very well but it is amazing how much attitude I picked up from that group. One such attitude was a distaste for Starhawk and her ilk, even as I participated in some of Reclaiming's public rites. Someone in the Alexandrian group would make some comment about Reclaiming and I'd reply, "Yeah but, their Samhain ritual was really interesting and educational." I also liked freezing my naked ass off during the solstices on a San Francisco beach.

Even without the Alexandrian group's influence, I'd likely have had issues with Reclaiming as a ceremonial magician. A Golden Dawn neophyte hall has six floor officers plus a sentinel, who is technically not in the temple. Those six officers embody three male and three female god forms. There is nothing I like doing more than being an officer in a Golden Dawn style neophyte hall. There is a sublime beauty to it all and I deeply respect any candidate going through that, for they are voluntarily embarking upon a very difficult journey. That candidate is being introduced to balance the moment s/he enters the hall. So, my perceived imbalance of goddess only spirituality comes from my training tradition. 

However, one of the things I've learned in doing magick is that the in between places matter. Magick performed between night and day (dusk and dawn) can be particularly effective. Magick done at a cross roads (between ways) is very traditional for a reason. Some meditations have the seeker focus on the space between the inhalation and exhalation. If you want to effect a mundane situation, wait until it is already morphing (in any direction) and then hit it with magick.

With theurgy and, I suppose, thaumutergy where does the greatest change to the magician happen? Change occurs during that moment of the ritual when the mage has expended every last bit of will, every emotion, every thought. Change occurs at the very point the last bit of energy leaves the magician. This is why he seals the work immediately and keeps the power from flashing back. He is, for an instant, void, empty. He is 'in between'. It is here the Universe works whether that impact is known immediately or at some future point. 

I've always disparaged Reclaiming because of their imbalance but let us look again. If the participants perceive the world as so patriarchal (male glorification) that they are diminished and then enter a space where the feminine is glorified all out of proportion, they must undergo transition into and out of each state. They force themselves 'in between'. Here is where the Universe works its magick. They are seeking the in between, the void space between their own perceptions of gender. What a wonderful place to be.

I've always disparaged Alexandrian Wicca because they have a tradition of the younger serving the older. Neophytes get water for the 1st degrees. The 1st degrees have to do it for the seconds, unless there is a neophyte around. The neophytes do the dishes prepare the food etc. They are treated very much like unpaid disrespected busboys and waitresses. The flip side is that magick does teach power. An Alexandrian Wiccan circle is a very powerful place to be. The transition between being some one's bitch and that place of power is another 'in between'. Perhaps their adherents need that particular space. I know why they tell you they have that tradition and it doesn't wash. Being in between makes more sense. 

I know enough of an OTO group to know that you'll find the long time high ranking members in the kitchen doing the cooking and cleaning side by side with the newest members. As an outsider, I value them for that. It shows they feel no 'better' than a newbie. Yet, maybe too, this is another in between. For the higher ranking members run the show in the hall and just a moment before and a moment after, they are doing the mundane tasks of feeding people. This is very fitting with the gnostic mass where the priest begins asking "who am I do to these things? I am just a man," or words to that effect.

Right now, I am in between. I needed the rigid rites of a ceremonial magician. I needed a 'proven and teachable' system of magick. I need a trusted teacher and mentor. The Universe provided these things. I needed a rigid moral standard of theurgy (which was my own moral standard not my mentor's or the Golden Dawn's). Now, I'm learning to deal with Pan. Rigid he is but not in the same way, if you know what I mean. Now, I'm learning thaumaturgy. Now, I'm learning to trust my intuition. But I'm learning those things. I am not there yet. I am 'in between' and it is a wonderful place to be.